68 THINGS I THINK I KNOW (I THINK)

1. The Broadstreet Gags are picking last in 2019.

2. Teams that pick last have never won the dome.

3. His keeper, Todd Gurley…has arthritis…of the knee.

4. Darrell Henderson, his backup, will not make it past the third round of this year’s draft.

5. The Broadstreet Gags do not have a pick in this year’s third round.

6. In a number of weeks last year, Todd Gurley scored the same number of points or fewer as…Jay Ajayi.

7. Jay Ajayi was recently seen at the Jacksonville Beach Waffle House at 4am…on a Tuesday morning.

8. Antonio Brown’s pre-season footwork…is on fire.

9. Melvin Gordon will not be drafted in the first round of this week’s draft.

10. He will go on to start 16 games for the winner of this league, and will finish as a top 5 running back.

11. Derrius Guice will remain injury free for the entire season…

12. …but unfortunately, will lose the starting running back position to Adrian Peterson, in Week 3.

13. Adrian Peterson will rush for 1,200 yards this year.

14. Neither of FCKD’s keepers, A.J. Green and Zeke Elliott, will suit up in weeks 1, 2…or 3. Or 4, 5, 6, 7, or 8 through 16.

15. Leonard Fournette will be a top 5 running back this year.

16. T.Y. Hilton will not be a top 20 wide receiver this year.

17. The top wide receiver on the Indianapolis Colts will be…Devin Funchess.

19. Jay Ajayi will sign with the Los Angeles Rams…after Todd Gurley suffers a season-ending knee injury on his first “comeback” snap in Week 4.

20. He will be a fairly competent back up…to Darrell Henderson.

21. Julio Jones is a better wide receiver than Antonio Brown…because he still has feet.

22. By the end of the 2020 season, Mike Evans will not be receiving throws from Crab Legs. He will be catching them from old mate Johnny Manziel.

23. Manziel, with a current ADP of Undrafted in Yahoo Standard Drafts, will finish as a top 10 QB for the final six games of the season.

24. Odell Beckham Jnr will have a very successful year at the Cleveland Browns…from a football perspective.

25. From a fantasy perspective, he will consistently cede touchdowns to the rushing prowess…of Baker Mayfield.

26. He will do this to boost the confidence of his QB, a cla$$y veteran move.

27. Despite the fact that OBJ will go down with a soft tissue injury in Week 6, the Browns will go on to win the division.

28. Juju Smith-Schuster will get frostbite trying to outdo Antonio Brown in the cryo chamber. He will lose 3 toes on his left foot, but keep all his toes on his right foot. However, he will not be able to feel those toes.

29. Cousin Dan will break a pattern of three successive dreadful drafts…

30. …by not even drafting at all in 2019 (he will be passed out, drunk, on Jager bombs and Bud Lite, and miss the draft altogether).

31. Cousin Dan’s autodraft will be just good enough for him to miss the playoffs again this year.

32. Did I mention…that OBJ…will go down with a soft tissue injury in week 6.

33. BDP will not draft Saquon Barkley with the first pick.

34. Instead, he will agree to a monster trade offer to move back a number of spots in the first round (total number still to be seen: the Dingo is hearing that there are multiple trade offers on the table for the first pick).

35. Even with this wealth of draft picks, BDP will miss the playoffs in 2019.

36. A.J. Green…will not play football in 2019.

37. Ezekiell Elliott…will never play football again.

38. Instead, he will become a surf instructor and cocktail waitress in Baja, Mexico.

39. Patrick Mahomes…will regress in 2019. He will still be the #1 QB in fantasy football, but not by much…

40. …because hot on his heels…will be a resurgent Aaron Rodgers.

41. Aaron Rodgers will throw for 40 TDs in new head coach Peter Le Fleur’s duck/dive/dodge/dodge offense.

42. His favorite target will not be Davante Adams…

43. …it will be…Equanimeous St. Brown…

44. …I believe I spelt that correctly.

45. Speaking of hot heels (see 40)…did I mention Antonio Brown already?

46. (I believe I did.)

47. The top 5 fantasy quarterbacks in 2019 will be (in order)…Patrick Mahomes; Aaron Rodgers; Deshaun Watson; Jared Goff; and Tom Brady.

48. Tom Brady will be drafted third by Kurt Warner’s Wife, who will be drafting while sitting in a jacuzzi, on a yacht, with a satellite phone, 100 miles off the coast of…Mar a Lago.

49. Le’Veon Bell will hold out again from the first 5 weeks of the Jets season.

50. It will be unsure what exactly he’s waiting for, but Bell will go back to work after he receives a visit in the middle of the night from Alf.

51. Speaking of Alf, Alf Morris will start all 16 games for the Dallas Cowboys in 2019…

52. …because, as previously mentioned, Zeke Elliott will choose a life of barrels and carols over a life of football (his cocktail waitress gig is at a Christmas-themed bar in Baja called “Santa’s Little Surfer”).

53. With their pick in the first round, the Broadstreet Gags will take…Zach Ertz.

54. With their pick in the second round, the Broadstreet Gags will take…Julian Edelman.

55. With their pick in the third round, the Broadstreet Gags will take…no one, because they traded that pick to FCKD.

56. FCKD…will FCK that third round pick. Badly.

57. With his first round pick, Scotty will take an eighth of Bubba Kush, two wax-laced pre-rolls, three 10mg snickerdoodle cookies, and 4 cartridge refills for his pen.

58. He will be found asleep later that night in the bathrooms of...Sassy’s.

59. Despite a lot of trash talk from fake football pundits, Daddy T will finish the year as a top 5 wide receiver.

60. The other wide receivers in the top 5 this year (in no particular order) will be Julio Jones; Keenan Allen; Stefon Diggs; and Julian Edelman.

61. Juju Smith-Schuster…is not on this list.

62. Rub a Dub Dub Nick Chubby Chubb Chubb will start the year strong for the Browns…but don’t forget that John Dorsey, has a penchant, for, bad boys.

63. Chubbster will be a top 5 running back in the first 8 weeks…

64. …and a top 35 running back in the last 8 weeks.

65. The Broadstreet Gags will be voted “Worst Draft” by Yahoo ratings…again.

66. The Ewbengals will draft two quarterbacks in the first five rounds…

67. Bodhi Bradshark will have a gif filmed of him taking an entire Bud Lite again…only this time, in his keister…

68. …and The Mule will rebound from his green-out to go back to back and win the whole thing all over again in December.

EXCLUSIVE: CREAM FRANCHISE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO LEAVE AUSTIN, RELOCATE TO CHICAGO; FANS REVOLT, BURN NUGS IN PROTEST

Austin, TX: In news sure to shake up the Thrill offseason, FantasyDingo.com can exclusively reveal that the Créme de la Nug franchise intends to leave Austin, TX, and relocate to Chicago, IL, in time for the start of the 2019 Thrill season.

The move threatens to lead to even more calls to redraft the current gerrymandered draft regions that have been specifically designed to give preferential treatment to Texas residents. It will also gut the city of Austin from much needed economic support in its sporting, hospitality and indoor horticultural industries.

“The city of Chicago approached the Cream franchise during the Arctic blast,” team owner Nuggsy No-No told FantasyDingo.com. “The temperature was -19 at the time the deal was confirmed. My balls were like raisins. I loved the feeling, just loved it. Tiny things, shriveled up. Tremendous stuff. And the opportunity to bring a Dome to that frozen hellscape was just too much to pass up.”

Perennial Thrill finalist and loser Adam Risman provided his perspective on the decision. “For the good people of Chicago, watching the Toe pack his team’s bags in the dead of night, relocate the franchise to Northwest Arkansas of all places AND win a dome was devastating,” Risman said. “(It’s) akin to what the people of St Louis are experiencing with the Rams this Super Bowl Sunday. I would love to see the Cream rise and bring the good people of Chicago the TTIG team and TITLE it deserves.”

League Champion Scott Tamul, former Chicago resident, could not be reached for comment. He is missing, presumed dead, at a remote chicken factory in eastern Arkansas.

In related news, sources tell FantasyDingo.com that this may not be the only relocation happening this offseason. Cousin Dan is also predicted to be moving back into his parents’ basement while awaiting trial over a terrible Delta Phi frat scandal involving brother Jimmy, a mistimed keg stand, and a too-tight wrastling singlet (more to come as this story emerges).

RISMAN ADMITS WHOLE BARKLEY TRADE THING WAS "A BIT," FACES 2 YEAR SUSPENSION FOR PISSING EVERYONE OFF

Adam Risman, owner of the Broadstreet Jags franchise, admitted on Sunday that his proposed trade with Kyle for "Saquon Barkley and a bunch of junk" was actually just part of an elaborate bit. 

"You know it's all just a bit, right," he told reporters after falling asleep at dinner three times and being called out by other diners in the restaurant as "a mess." When pushed on why he had gone on with "the bit" for so long, he simply stated, "Fuck the haters." 

The commissioner, Andrew Ewbank, is now looking into potential charges for Risman in two separate scenarios: 

That this was all a bit: Possible 2 year suspension for being a jackass 

That it's actually not a bit and he still does trade for Barkley: Possible 2 year suspension for collusion 

Timelines for completing the investigation are currently unclear. 

Risman's second team, Daniels (sic) Team Returns, is also under a cloud of scrutiny after it was revealed he kept Odell Beckham Jnr despite the wideout clearly suffering a season-ending injury prior to keepers being announced. 

More to come. 

BREAKING: RISMAN ADMITS TO COLLUSION AND CHEATING, "I'M JUST TRYING TO WIN THIS LEAGUE HOWEVER I CAN"

The commissioner and Adam, in happier times. 

This is an update of a previous post. 

Adam Risman, owner of the now forever-tainted Broadstreet Jags, has admitted openly to cheating and colluding in this year's draft. "I have Barkley. We were trading the whole time. You'll have to wait and see what happens," Risman said, speaking to the table in a Trumpian tone while he executed a back kickflip with his fingers and a Martin Sprockets pen. 

Reporters repeatedly reached out to Kelcejaculate, the second party of this collusion, for comment, but he did not return any texts. 

Other franchise owners will be meeting later today to decide on how to approach this issue which is rocking the league and threatens to tear it apart. 

More to come. 

BREAKING: BROADSTREET JAGS COLLUDE WITH KELCEJACULATE TO DRAFT FROM MULTIPLE POSITIONS DURING SAME DRAFT, INVESTIGATION PENDING, ASTERISK ENSURED

The subject of the investigation, asleep. 

SAN ANTONIO: Aug. 25th, 2018

The TTIG draft hit all new lows today in San Antonio, Texas, as Adam Risman, owner of the Broadstreet Jags franchise, and Kyle Ayers, owner of the Kelcejaculate franchise, colluded to draft as essentially a single team from multiple positions. 

The trade between the teams is yet to be announced or declared. This decision essentially caused the Jags and Kelce to be able to communicate throughout the draft and decide how to build two super teams across multiple positions and draft opportunities. 

Speaking after the draft had immediately concluded, SMTHRD, CVRD and FCKD stated, "Fuck the Jags," and "Leanne should leave him." 

The Broadstreet Jags offered a simple, "There was no collusion," before walking away anxiously and playing with a pretend skateboard. 

Casey Biggs, owner of the Creme franchise, asked for further investigation into the commissioner's role in the affair. "We need to know what Andrew Ewbank knew and didn't know, and when he did and didn't know it." 

The commissioner refused to comment at this time. 

More to come. 

69 THINGS I KNOW I KNOW: PART 3 OF 3

The final chapter - a continuation from Part 2...

47. The Broadstreet Gags will make bunk picks in the first, second, fourth, sixth, ninth, tenth, thirteenth and fifteenth rounds of the draft.

48. By week 7, only two drafted players will remain on the Broadstreet Gags roster.

49. The Broadstreet Gags will never be higher than 11th place all season.

50. The Broadstreet Gags will fall asleep before 10pm on draft night.

51. The Broadstreet Gags will field a team this season featuring at least one Jag, one Brown, and one Chicago Bear.

52. The Broadstreet Gags will panic at the fourth pick and draft a player who will finish the season on their bench at best, on the waiver at worst.

53. The Broadstreet Gags will boast after the draft that they had “the best draft ever” and that they “love their team.”

54. The Broadstreet Gags will get the lowest ranking from Yahoo post-draft.

55. The Broadstreet Gags will remain in last place in the Yahoo power rankings through the entire season.

56. The Broadstreet Gags will be so disappointed by their season that they will consider throwing it all away, going off the grid, and getting a little cabin in the woods down by Big Sur and starting a fruit and vegetable stand by the side of the road.

57. The Broadstreet Gags will have the most disappointing roster to watch on television all season; the franchise owner will be forced to consume game after game of Jacksonville Jaguars, Detroit Lions, Stinky Browns and Chicago Bears football.

58. Kevin White will be a Broadstreet Gag this year. He will be drafted far too high, and will be injured by week 4.

59. Colin Kaepernick will play for the Broadstreet Gags in 2017, despite the fact that he will not be playing for an NFL team.

60. The Broadstreet Gags will buck their trend of not picking a defense and instead will reach for a defense in round 13. It will be the Jacksonville Jaguars defense, and it will be atrocious.

61. The Broadstreet Gags will blame their poor season on everything but their own poor decisions; injuries, schemes, work/life balance, narcolepsy – the list goes on and on.

62. Ronnie Hillman will be on the Gags roster this season.

63. Matt Barkley will be on the Gags roster this season.

64. Brian Hartline will be on the Gags roster this season.

65. Brandon Bolden will be on the Gags roster this season.

66. Cody Latimer will be on the Gags roster this season.

67. The utter stench of the Gags season will waft over the entirety of the Leaders division like radiation from Fukushima, leading to a Legends franchise winning the Dome in 2017…

68. And that franchise will be…

69. The Bodhi Bradsharts. Back to back 2016-2017 champions. Put the champagne on ice and stick the dome up your ass – the trophy is staying in Houston, baby.

Now, with that out of the way...LET’S DRAFT.

Thrill League Mock Draft: Who Do Y'All Like This Weekend?

A mock is just that: mock. Fake. Pretend. Make believe. 

Or is it? 

This year, the editors at Dingo Sports have taken the liberty to mock out the first round of this weekend's long-awaited Thrill Draft VI - Milwaukee Thrill Fest (aka "Pabst Pabst Baby"). The mock is aimed to accurately predict the order in which players will be taken on Saturday, while also getting inside the head of certain franchises who are prone to second-guess themselves. 

To be clear: this is not how I would pick. This is who the Dingo Sports algorithm predicts these individual franchises are most likely to take. 

Round 2 to follow if I get motivated enough before Saturday. 

ROUND 1: 

Pick 1: BK Comedy Fest 2K17: LeSean McCoy, RB, Buffalo Bills
With the first pick in the 2017 Thrill Draft, BK Comedy Fest takes a seemingly safe high-volume, high-floor option in LeSean McCoy. But is it that safe after all? Consider this: Buffalo has a new offensive coordinator. McCoy has plenty of miles on the legs. And the power and aura of Rex Ryan is no longer in Buffalo (last seen in Tampa of all places). 

Beware, BK Comedy Fest; unlike getting lucky at a Females Only private party, drafting Shady in 2017 is no sure thing. 

Pick 2: Creamy Nuggs: Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots
Biggsy Baby is more than likely having some serious heartburn over this pick right now, but we all know just how much Nugs loves Tom. So much so that he'll gladly reach for a QB in this spot when he clearly needs an RB. Creamy Nuggs, I do hope you enjoy your starting RB pairing of Terrance West and Rob Kelley! 

Pick 3: Spike Hill 4EVA: Jay Ajayi, RB, Miami Dolphins
Still so difficult to pronounce this guy's name. Nevertheless, Spike Hill takes Ajayi (a-jay-ai? jay-a-jay-ai? Could that be it?) with the third pick on the back of his 3 x 200 yard games last year. Don't forget, though, that outside of those three games, he looked a bit like a piece of dogshit attached to your shoe. Risky shit to pick this guy at number 3, risky fucking shit. 

Pick 4: The Broadstreet Gags: Kareem Hunt, RB, Kansas City Chiefs
THE FIRST SURPRISE/GENUINELY BAD PICK OF THE DRAFT. And so predictable that it comes from the Gags! K-Hunt fever reaches smokey levels with the Gags reaching up to take him fourth overall. I don't like the pick myself, because: a) I think he's unproven, b) I'd take either Freeman or Murray over an unproven rook like this, and c) I think they're gonna sprinkle a fair bit of CHARK in with this K-Hunt stew. But hey, Gags gonna Gag. 

Pick 5: Bodhi Bradshart: DeMarco Murray, RB, Tennessee Titans
The Bradsharts, dressed only in a snorkel and drafting from a fish tank, takes high-volume, high-power, high-injury-risk running back DeMarco Murray with the fifth pick. After choking a little in his first ten seconds on the clock (from remnant snorkel water or laughter from the Gags previous pick, we can't be sure), he locks in a pretty straightforward pick, as well as a guaranteed reach for Derrick Henry in the fifth round. 

Pick 6: The Ewbungals: Joe Mixon, RB, Cincinnati Bengals
HOMER ALERT. HOMER ALERT. Just think about it: what do the Ewbengals truly love? I'll tell you: they love watching Bengals football. They love mediocre running backs who operate in committees (see: Jeremy Hill). And they love defending players with questionable personal backgrounds (see: BURFICT STRANGERS). All of this rolls into their perfect round one pick in Mixon: and two rookie RBs off the Thrill board by pick 6.  

Pick 7: Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A.D.I.C.: Devonta Freeman, RB, Atlanta Falcons
The kid falls on his own face and shits gold into a cup again! Then sells the gold after a North Korea missile launch for an inflated price on the global exchange! Thanks to a couple of rookie reaches, Freeman falls to poop at pick 7. Now, I have my fears about Freeman's durability and the presence of Tevin Coleman, but at this point in the draft, this is an absolute steal. 

Pick 8: Adam's Second Team: Christian McCaffrey, RB, Carolina Panthers
Go with me here. Indulge me for a moment. Now, let's just say for a second -- FOR A SECOND -- that, hypothetically speaking -- HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING -- Cousin Dan is a real person. I know, I know, it's a huge reach. BUT IF HE IS. There is NO WAY -- NO WAY -- that a flash-in-the-pan, fancy, white-running-back, Stanford boy, showpony, PRETENDER like Christian fucking McCaffrey gets past him. This is a CLASSIC Cousin Dan pickup. DAN LOVES OVERRATED WHITE RBs. LOVES fancy running backs. LOVES guys who are gonna get split in two by a Kam Chancellor/Earl Thomas sandwich. Juke that, Stanford fella. This guy's overrated. 

Side note: I was floating on Lake Washington this weekend with SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD when he started to wax lyrical about McOverrated's leg speed and step. "Did you see him juke Luke Kuechly at training?" It was fucking gross. I almost vomited all over FCKD's inflatable peacock. 

Pick 9: The Dummy Cums: Michael Thomas, WR, New Orleans Saints
Finally, another semi-decent pick. For all the shit I give Cums about his hats and failure to actually finish out a season like a man, he's no moron. Michael Thomas is gonna put up 1,250 yards and 12 TDs this season, with Drew Brees slangin' it like the 2am - 8am head chef at the Jacksonville Beach Waffle House. A great value pick at #9. Early round WRs are underrated in this league. Mediocre RBs are overrated in this league. USE YOUR FUCKING HEADS, PEOPLE. 

Pick 10: SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD: Leonard Fournette, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars
ANOTHER FUCKING TERRIBLE ROOKIE PICK THIS FIRST ROUND IS A DISASTER LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL. FCKD FCKS HS PCK - WHT (A) SRPRS!

Here are a few things going against Fournette: he's got a banged up foot already. He's had plenty of hard yards put on his body through college. And the guy handing him the ball is either Blake Fucking Bortles, or CHAD FUCKING HENNE. STACK THE BOX, ANY OPPONENT. Blake will be under so much pressure he'll feel like an orange in the crush machine at the Lemon Bar. Fournette is a terrible, terrible pick -- his odds of succeeding in the NFL became 10,000,000/1 the moment he was drafted by the Jags -- and the decision to draft him will haunt the SMTHRD franchise. 

Pick 11: Brix Gloryhole: Doug Baldwin, WR, Seattle Seahawks
Phew! An opportunity for my heart to slow down a moment. Seriously, if this order of players actually happens on Saturday I will probably shit my pants and be kicked out of the bar for shitting my pants. Dougy Fresh is a great high floor, high volume, low-ish upside pick here for the Brix Gloryhole. Prediction here is that he takes Doug, goes to take a quick dump, falls asleep on the toilet and autodrafts the remainder of the draft. 

Pick 12: Thunder Down Blunder: T.Y. Hilton, WR, Indianapolis Colts
The Blunder stops laughing long enough to take another high-volume, lowish-upside receiver here. I like the combination of pairing this kind of volume with the erratic qualities of Brandin Cooks; I don't like the fact that Scott Tolzien may be throwing to this guy for a decent CHNK of the season. 

LIKE THE PICKS? HATE THE PICKS? COMMENT BELOW, AND SUBSCRIBE TO THE RSS FEED ONCE I WORK OUT HOW TO DO THAT. 

For FCKD, Season Hangs in Balance While Zeke Pleads Case in NYC

New York City, NY

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott will appeal his six week suspension today at NFL headquarters in New York, hoping for a reduced or fully overturned sentence. 

However, Dingo sources reveal that the man with the most on the line to lose is not Elliott himself, but rather his Thrill league franchise owner, SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD. 

Confronted by reporters early Tuesday morning outside his Rainier Beach home, FCKD looked discombobulated and confused, rambling garbled words from his unshaven face and generally looking like a GD mess. 

"I just want my man back," he made out at one point, one of the few sentences uttered by FCKD that made any sense at all. 

FCKD addressed the media for around 45 seconds before he was met, reprimanded and then led back inside the house by his wife of three years, Mrs FCKD. 

"It's been a tough few weeks for him," she said, before adding there would be no further comment until after Elliot's hearing was complete. 

To add to FCKD's woes, the media pack could see that his hand-installed irrigation system in his front yard was seemingly no longer working; his hydrangeas had begun to wilt, and the grass was turning a sickly shade of brown. 

More to come

69 Things I Know I Know: Part 2 of 3

Continued from the original post, "69 Things I Know I Know: Part 1 of 3": 

24. No one in the Thrill League has won multiple championships. If that trend continues in 2017, half the league will have their name on the Dome by the beginning of the 2018 season. 

25. Creamy Nugs' powerful keeper WR pairing of Mike Evans and Julio Jones is so hyped that it only has the potential to go in one direction: down. The Atlanta Falcons offense will be less powerful with Shanahan replaced by a walking Evan Williams bottle, and Mike Evans is being thrown to by a noodle arm. 

26. The leading wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals in 2017 will be...John Brown. 

27. This season, Terrelle Pryor Snr. will lead the league...in drops. 

28. If Thomas Frank Richard Epitath Brady III is already taken by pick #4, the Broadstreet Gags will take...Devonta Freeman. 

29. For the first 7 weeks of 2017, Devonta Freeman will split snaps evenly with Tevin Coleman, until he is ultimately overtaken and benched for the last ten weeks of the season. 

30. Michael Bluth Jnr. MBA DIC will draft Andrew Luck within the first 3 rounds of the 2017 Milwaukee Thrill Fest. 

31. He will be drafting from a TGI Fridays on Mulholland Drive. 

32. He will be wearing khakis and a blue and white check button down. 

33. He will be hungover and alone, but he will also have ordered himself one of those 128oz Bud Lite beer towers. 

34. Andrew Luck will play in fewer than 8 games this season. 

35. Matt Ryan will not be a top 10 QB in 2017. 

36. Kenneth Dixon will be a top 10 RB in 2017. 

37. Kurt Warner's Wife will end the draft with no fewer than 3 QBs on his roster, including a keeper, one taken in the first 3 rounds, and one taken as a "stash" in Round 13. This will stir up great memories from Thrill Draft 2, when the Ewbungals took two QBs in the first four rounds. 

38. SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD will commit to drafting a bad boy roster by taking Joe Mixon and Marshawn Lynch rounds 1 & 2, Brandon Marshall and Ben Roethlisberger rounds 4 & 7, and the Bengals defense in round 13. 

39. SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD will pay for keeping Ezekiel Elliot by freaking out and reaching for Darren McFadden in the third round. 

40. SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD's WR2 will be none other than...Kenny Britt. He will be disappointed by this choice by Week 3. 

41. The running back to own in Washington is the man who has fixed his fumbling ways...Matt Jones. He will end the season with 1,069 yards, 12 TDs and 0 fumbles. 

42. Ted Ginn Jnr. will be off the board by round 9, and rightfully so: the new Saints stud projects as being the #2 wideout in the Saints backfield this year, with over 1,700 all purpose yards. 

43. Cousin Dan...is not real. 

44. Kirk Cousins will be drafted by Adam's Second Team in the sixth round (reach!). 

45. The starting QB for the Los Angeles Rams by week 9 will be...Sean Mannion. 

46. The Ewbungals' internet will drop out midway through the second round of the draft, causing him to go on Autodraft and take Ty Montgomery with the 18th pick in the draft. 

69 Things I Know I Know: Part 1 of 3

As is tradition, the Dingo will outline his top 69 predictions for the 2017 Thrill season between now and next week's Milwaukee Thrill Fest. Here is the first of three installments. 

1. The Broadstreet Gags will draft a dud within the first 4 rounds. 

2. Bodhi Bradshart will make it to Milwaukee, even if it means floating his way down the Brown Bayou to get there. 

3. Jamaal Charles will start for the TDU franchise for the last 8 weeks of the season, culminating in a championship game where Charles goes for 175 yards and 2 TDs. 

4. Blake Bortles will start for a Thrill league franchise in more than two weeks this season. 

5. Jameis Winston has a noodle arm. Doesn't matter whether you're watching him on Hard Knocks or in-game, his balls just float in the air and he is guaranteed for at least one moronically dumb pick a game. I would rather have Deshone Kizer as my team's QB than this Muhammed Ali-lite pinspirational "leader". 

6. The Ewbengals will turn the late nights of early fatherhood into a full blown championship run. 

7. The Ewbengals will harness the newly-gerrymandered waiver rules into his owning the wire this year. 

8. Derek Carr will throw for 4,750 yards and 30 TDs this year, with fewer than 7 interceptions. 

9. Cordarelle Patterson will break out as one of Carr's favorite receivers, greatly diminishing the role of Michael Crabtree. 

10. No Chicago Bears receivers will be drafted on September 2nd. 

11. If Cousin Dan is in fact real, the fact that he is coming to Milwaukee for less than 24 hours and also flying in and out of different airports sets him up well to have great longevity in this league. 

12. Scotty's beard will either be down to his nipples, or he will be clean shaven. Either way, the over/under on number of toilet stalls he will fall asleep in in Milwaukee is 1.5. 

13. Carlos Hyde will finish the season with 1,579 rushing yards and 13 TDs. 

14. Mike Tolbert will vulture at least 7 LeSean McCoy touchdowns this year, while McCoy himself will miss at least four weeks at some stage throughout the season. 

15. Derrick Henry is the running back to own in the Titans backfield. 

16. Despite this, neither he nor DeMarco Murray will lead Tennessee in rushing TDs. That honor will go to Marcus Mariota. 

17. Greg Olsen will finish the year with record lows in receptions, targets, yards and TDs. 

18. This will be precipitated not by a Christian McCaffrey breakout, but by a bounce back by none other than...Kelvin Benjamin. 

19. Eli Manning will be a top 10 fantasy QB in 2017. 

20. The Broadstreet Gags will use their first round pick to draft none other than Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. 

21. Tamul Toe will threaten the Gags with physical violence, before a tense trade is worked out to send Rodgers + draft picks to the Gags for Brady. 

22. Eddie Lacy will not win the backfield battle for the Seahawks. 

23. That battle will be won by...Chris Carson. 

On Drafting a December Roster in August

Dez Bryant
Le'Veon Bell
T.Y. Hilton
Doug Baldwin
Jonathan Stewart
Ben Roethlisberger
Duke Johnson Jnr. 
Tyler Eifert
Emmanuel Sanders
Willie Snead
Charles Sims
Justin Tucker
New England Defense
Dak Prescott

Cole Beasley

Does this rag tag bunch of renegades look familiar to you? They should: they're the draft class of the 2016 Thrill League champions, the Bodhi Bradsharts. 

I watched Bradshart closely throughout the entirety of the 2016 draft. I remember him well: he was sitting on a long, curved, beige leather couch in the upstairs living room of a Jacksonville Beach VRBO house made entirely of plasterboard and broken dreams. He wore a yellow tank top, a tank top we all wore that day. 

I remember guffawing at a couple of the pics (specifically Doug Baldwin and Dak Prescott, feeling they were reaches), but I knew that the Bradsharts had walked away from the draft with a solid start to the season. As always, the year would be shaped by injuries and trades, hopes and dreams; but the goal to a draft is not to win the league. It's to not lose it. 

I remember looking over to Bradshart, sitting on the couch, his long, dark, wavy hair lightly touching the back of the chair as he sipped on a Busch Light and laughed at some of the light banter flying around the room. He looked so lithe, like a little forest nymph or a little toad, even, sitting there, perched up, sipping on that Busch Light with his lips pursed out. Laughing a little. He had the lithe little laugh of a supple young man who knew he had drafted not just a winning roster, but a December roster. 

Let's look at his choices in cohorts: 

Cohort 1: Rounds 1 - 4 - high floor, high upside
With Dez as his keeper and Le'Veon Bell as his first pick, Bradshark goes for explosive TD upside + expected high volume. Then his next two picks? High floor, high volume guarantee. TY Hilton ain't gonna buy you flowers or write you a love song, but he's sure as cow shit gonna get fed the ball. And Doug Baldwin? He ain't sexy and writing you a haiku in blood on a 150-year-old Japanes rose petal, but he's sure as cow shit gettin' fed that ball by Russ the Huss a lot.
 

Cohort 2: Rounds 5 - 8 - veteran locker room leaders, stout running, more TDs
He picks up two stout ponies in rounds 5 and 7 in Jonathan Stewart and Duke Johnson Jr. The robust bowling balls are just the kinds of guys he likes: established, thick through the trunk, difficult to take down in one go. In round 6, he goes with an absolute vet and absolute professional: Big Ben. Ben suffered on the road last year, but at home, he was his towering best, racking up sick yardage and going to town on visiting Ds. Then in Round 8, he turns his eye back to a Home Run Hitter in Tyler Eifert. It's risky, given Eifert's injury history, but the guy is a TD machine and potential week in, week out game winner. At this point, Bradshart has proven high floor toads plus enough firepower to be super relevant in December.  

Cohort 3: Rounds 9 - 12 - WR depth + the Ace in the Hole
Bradshart comes out swinging and takes another high volume WR in Emmanuelle Sanders in Round 9. He doubles down on more depth and volume in Willie Snead in Round 10, meaning that for his WR3, he can choose each week based on matchup + just how sexy he's feeling. In Round 11, he makes what I think even he would admit is one of his few mistakes - Charles Sims. Even then, Sims was in line to take Doug Martin's spot until he got injured himself, so at the time, it's not a bad move. The in Round 12, he takes the Ace in the Hole: Justin Tucker. I don't care what the fucking so-called "experts" say - that man won weeks last year for his teams, with his 50+ yard bombs. The move to reach up and get him in Round 12 raises eyebrows (not to mention a couple of Daisy Dukes), but works out for Bradshart when it matters: in December. 

Cohort 4: Rounds 13 - 15 - the second Ace in the Hole, this guy is holding a nice pair
Round 13, Bradshart takes the New England Defense, a nice pick for sure. But it's Round 14 when the guffaws truly start: Dak Prescott. Given the state of the Dallas O-Line, we all should've seen this coming a little bit more. But all kudos to Bradshart, who gives himself some nice backup QB upside with a pick that is otherwise a throwaway. Even Cole Beasley, who he picked up in Round 15, is high volume and a useful WR3 in many weeks of the 2016 season.

No one is saying he orchestrated, masterminded, and lined up the greatest draft in history as part of some genius plan. But there are some nuggets to pull out of this long-haired lothario's method behind his madness. A mix of high volume and high floor equaled better opportunity to succeed. A propensity to stick with his players throughout the season and give them a chance to improve was crucial (avoiding the temptation to discard Dak, for example, is a masterstroke). Making purposeful decisions away from hype and trend led to Bradshart drafting a team that could perform when it mattered most: in December. 

I will never forget watching that little long-haired toad on that thick, cold, beige leather couch in Jacksonville Beach. The way he sat, so gently, on that couch, long hair flicking back in the heavily wheezing air conditioning, sipping on that little can of Busch Lite, knowing that he had done the one thing he had to do: draft a team that could win: in December.  

2017 Thrill League Keeper Predictions

Football is BACK. Dingo is BACK. Thrill League is BACK -- and still one of the most mediocre leagues in the country. 

The second year of keeper rules kick in this year, so it's time to make some bold predictions about who's keeping whom and why. 

Let's remember who these turkeys decided to keep last year: 

The Ewbungals - Jordy Nelson
Broadstreet Gags - Todd Gurley
Bodhi Bradshart - Dez Bryant
Brix Gloryhole - Aaron Rodgers
Creamy Nugs - Julio Jones
The Dummy Cums - David Johnson
Adam's Second Team - Odell Beckham Jnr
Spike Hill 4Eva - Travis Kelce
Autodraft BK Comedy Fest - Cam Newton
Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A. D.I.C. - Antonio Brown
SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD - AJ Green
Thunder Down Blunder - Jamaal Charles

Here's a grade for how each of those keepers are looking a year on from selections, along with some descriptive prose: 

The Ewbungals - Jordy Nelson C+ (OLD) 
Broadstreet Gags - Todd Gurley C+ (OVERRATED, BAD TEAM)
Bodhi Bradshart - Dez Bryant B- (HURT TOO MUCH)
Brix Gloryhole - Aaron Rodgers B- (BAD MECHANICS)
Creamy Nugs - Julio Jones B+ (IF HE STAYS HEALTHY AND WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?!)
The Dummy Cums - David Johnson A (BEAUTIFUL)
Adam's Second Team - Odell Beckham Jnr A- (BEAUTIFUL PONY)
Spike Hill 4Eva - Travis Kelce C (WHAT WAS THIS GUY THINKING?)
Autodraft BK Comedy Fest - Cam Newton B- (NO ONE LIKES THIS GUY) 
Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A. D.I.C. - Antonio Brown A (A REAL THING OF BEAUTY)
SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD - AJ Green B (HIT AND MISS) 
Thunder Down Blunder - Jamaal Charles D (SAD!)

Keepers are due August 19th, so let's now go ahead and look at who each team might keep. I've made a single prediction for each franchise, but in a couple of cases, team owners are in a position where, like Bodhi Bradshart, they could truly swing in a bunch of different directions. Remember: this is who these franchises will pick, not who they should pick. 

The Ewbungals - Jordy Nelson // Jarvis Landry
The Bungals will start the draft with their WR core established as two mediocre talents guaranteed to provide zero excitement all season long. This pair will end the year with a combined average of 19.7 pts a game. 

Broadstreet Gags - Todd Gurley // Allen Robinson
The Gags project to add Gag homer and favorite Allen Robinson to their squad, turning down the opportunity to keep Russell Wilson and forget about their QB woes for two seasons. I like Robinson, but the QB situation at The Lemon Bar has gotta have this franchise fearing for any Jacksonville WRs future. 

Bodhi Bradshart - Dez Bryant // LeVeon Bell
Sure, the guy hasn't reported to training camp, but that's something the Bradsharts can relate to: rumor has it that the franchise owner once sat out from going to work for 69 straight weeks. 

Brix Gloryhole - Aaron Rodgers // Jay Ajayi
Is he worried at all about the QB/offense situation in Miami? Does he have trust in Smoking Jay? Is he still sitting on the toilet, asleep, at Brix? Will he be arrested in Milwaukee, on on the Friday night in Chicago? The franchise has a number of offseason questions still to answer, but I think he goes Ajayi here. 

Creamy Nugs - Julio Jones // Mike Evans
If these two stay healthy, this is straight out fucking terrifying and should have everyone questioning the two-keeper league situation. This is like Durant taking less money to keep the Warriors together. Some real bullshit here. 

The Dummy Cums - David Johnson // Marcus Mariota
CONTROVERSIAL, but I think Marcus makes The Cums hot under the collar. Cums likes nothing more than a progressive gamble on a Hawaiian prince in an Indian Summer. Also, the rest of his inherited roster is dogshit. 

Adam's Second Team - Odell Beckham Jnr // Jordan Howard
We know this to be a fact because "Dan" texted it into the commish yesterday. Looking forward to "meeting" "Dan" in "Milwaukee." 

Spike Hill 4Eva - Travis Kelce // Amari Cooper
Only because there are no other Chiefs on this franchise's roster. Jamaal Charles is available for trade if for some reason you still think he's on the Chiefs. 

Autodraft BK Comedy Fest - Cam Newton // DeMarco Murray
Or whomever Yahoo automatically picks as his keeper. For the record, I have DeMarco penciled in for 3 games, 69 yards, 2 fumbles (1 returned for TD) this year so this would not be my pick of a second keeper. 

Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A. D.I.C. - Antonio Brown // Devonta Freeman
It's either Devonta, Gronk, or the kid finds a way to trade 69,000 fully franked Biodyne options for the corpse of Andrew Luck before Saturday. Will be interested to see how Fig's Newly Acquired Business Acumen (henceforth known as NABA) impacts his strategy throughout the season. 

SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD - AJ Green // Ezekiel Elliot
Bonus prediction: he then takes Joe Mixon in the first round to paper up his RB core's shortcomings for the first six weeks of the season. SMH, FCKD. S. M. H. 

Thunder Down Blunder - Jamaal Charles // LeSean McCoy
Only to put this franchise in exactly the same position it is in today, in a year (that is to say, fucked). 

There you have it. Comments below or on text chain, stay tuned for updates. 

Dingo Unchained: Breaking Down A Week of Free Agency and Trade Madness

And everything it means for your fantasy big board. Is Ryan Fitzpatrick #thetruth? Will Sam Bradford survive the season? Do Shady McCoy's snow shoes impact his draft stock? And just where should Tim Tebow Our Lord and Savior land in all this mess? Live now, get it. 

Man Mountain Moves to Mountain Town: Jimmy Graham Arrives in Seattle

When Seattle awoke this morning, fans knew that a stud tight end was a high priority in this period of free agency. Luke Willson was an admirable fill-in during this season’s run to the Superbowl, but one had to feel that his ceiling was low, and that adding a talented tight end would go some way to aiding Seattle’s receiving corp woes. 

The best hope appeared to be Browns TE Jordan Cameron, a talented but concussion-prone option who would have added a somewhat uncertain boost at the position. The 27-year-old Cameron had a big season in 2013 (917 yards, 7 TDs), but a tough 2014 followed with a combination of injury and Brown QB problems. 

Then came Schefter’s tweet, just a few minutes before free agency officially began. Within minutes, a rumor had turned into a done deal, and Saints star Jimmy Graham, about to enter the second year of a $40 million deal, was on his way to Seattle along with a fourth round pick. In exchange, the Saints would receive Seattle center Max Unger and a future first rounder. 

Before delving into what it means for the Hawks (and what it means for the fantasy value of multiple Hawks players in 2015), let’s start with the obvious: Dingo loves this trade. Not necessarily for the player himself (although I am still a big Jimmy Graham fan despite his decrease in production in 2014). But just for the sheer ballsy magnitude of this trade. There’s nothing the Dingo loves more in life than drafts and trades, and this trade is bigger than a brick shithouse. And, as the blog's good friend Das Hans pointed out this afternoon, it's another ginger on the Hawks! 

Graham’s entry into the Seahawks offense does a number of things, for better and for worse: 

Fills two (maybe three) immediate needs with one player. The Seahawks needed big red zone receiving targets, and they needed a tight end who offered options up the seam. They also needed receivers who attracted defensive schemes, and opened up running lanes for Lynch. In Graham, they get a man who was the undisputed number one receiving tight end before the start of last season, and after a bad year for the Saints franchise, still sits in the top three tight ends amongst the league. 

Another star has been added to the roster. This can be good (leadership?), potentially troubling (increased salary cap hit), and possibly bad (see Harvin, Percy). Graham’s locker room leadership came under a little bit of subtle fire this year, but after the arbitration process that he lost around being classed as a tight end rather than a receiver, it is understandable that he might have held a grudge with the Saints organization. In that way, a change could be good. We won’t go into specifics about the salary cap, but it could become a problem down the track. 

The final point, regarding Harvin, is the most important one. The last time Seattle added a star was when they traded for Percy Harvin two years ago. The results have been well documented, but what is most important to note is the way the Seahawks tried to alter their playing style to suit the new player (jet sweeps) and promptly lost their way on offense. Do the coaching staff have the ability, inclination and creativity to find ways to keep Graham, Lynch and Wilson all happy and purring at once? Time will tell, but recent history is not on their side. 

It’s a good division for tight ends. Graham will find himself regularly matched up against the Cardinals, Rams and 49ers, and that’s a good thing. The Cardinals ranked dead last in yards given up to tight ends last year (1,085), with the 49ers 20th (848) and the Rams 9th (714). The 49ers also show promise to regress somewhat this year. 

So what does this do to Graham’s fantasy value, and the value of those around him? Graham’s fantasy value takes a slight uptick with this move, and places him in the top two tight ends with Rob Gronkowski. With Julius Thomas heading to Jacksonville, he is now a clear third in that race. 

Graham’s value goes up because, despite the fact that he had Drew Brees throwing him the ball last year, this year he has a QB on the rise who is desperate for a favorite target. Wilson has been applauded for sharing the ball around between his receivers, making them relatively useless for fantasy purposes. The leading receiver (TDs) last season was Marshawn Lynch (4), while Doug Baldwin and Luke Willson both had just three scores across the season. A red zone threat like Graham must surely be utilized by the Seahawks coaching staff, and utilized often. 

Graham’s presence should also increase the fantasy value of Wilson, who proved himself to be a solid, almost stud performer last year with his running game and (usual) disinclination for throwing picks. He should thrive now he has a big target as a bailout, and may move into the top five fantasy quarterback prospects this season. 

Lynch is the wildcard. Graham could eat into his touchdowns, but could also provide a great distraction and increase his numbers. It will be hard to tell how Graham is going to be used until training and the season begin, but one thing’s for sure—the Seahawks, as both a team and as multiple fantasy propositions, have just gotten a hell of a lot more interesting.