Rook Rank: Week 1

Which young studs will put up enough points and bang enough boards on a bad team to crack your starting lineup? Each week, Fantasy Dingo contributor and raging Marcin Gortat fan Adam Risman lights the stove under the league’s new blood and CRANKS UP THE HEAT with this power poll.

A Low Boil

9. Nick Stauskas, Guard, Sacramento Kings

Has everyone seen the video of this guy’s draft day call? Vivek says Stauskas rocks, so how can he not crack the pre-season rankings? Sactown is in a serious playoff drought (8 years), but Nicky is about to rain threes in northern Cali like a storm in the Amazon. This guy is Jimmer if you subbed the Mormon mission experience for an affinity with Canadian bacon. Get him while he’s hot.

8. KJ McDaniels, Guard-Forward, Stinkadelphia 76ers

Who?! That’s the reaction to nearly every player on the roster in Tank City. This sneaky 2014 second-rounder is actually starting for this “NBA” team, and he opted for a strange contract that gives him every incentive to light up the hardwood. KJ even recorded four COUNT’EM four swats against the pesky Nets in his final preseason game. He could be an early rookie riser this season.

7. Dante Exum, Unknown Guard Position, Utah Jazz

Will he play on the ball or off the ball? Is his coach still partying late into the night with coeds like his days manning the bench at Mizzou, or will he be able to provide Dante with the leadership he needs to find his way deep in the Rocky Mountains? I have absolutely no idea, but I can tell you that the editor-in-chief of this fantastic website will be watching…and would not have published this list had Dante been omitted. 

Heating Up

6. Douglas McBuckets, Forward, Chicago Bulls

Take a look at the Chicago Bulls depth chart, and you’ll spot former Duke student-athlete Mike Dunleavy in the starting small forward spot. Do you really think that will last more than a week with Dougy Fresh breathing Ice Breakers-scented air down the back of Dunleavy’s neck? The 2014 National College Basketball Player of the Year will be pelting the opposition from downtown. Picture this: the artist formerly known as D-Rose drives into Noah’s arc and dishes to Dougy in the corner. Swish city. Just typing those last few sentences convinced me to select the Bulls as one of my five League Pass teams.

5. Andrew Wiggins, Guard-Forward, Minnesota Timberwolves

Why is the number-one pick only number five on this pre-season countdown? Look, I LIKE this Minnesota team. I am READY to run the Wolves. BUT, this squad will make its bread and butter bangin’ those boards with Pek, Thad Young, and Anthony “I’m really not that fat anymore” Bennett. Wiggins will get some easy buckets on the break from Tricky Ricky Rubio, but will also be asked to defend the opposition’s best wing player each night. Do expect him to run out of gas as the season drags on. Don’t expect him to develop a reliable jumper in year one.

4. Marcus Smart, Point Guard, Boston Celtics

This guy reminds of those 12 pit bulls that were confiscated from the home of rapper DMX. Smart is aggressive, feisty, fiery, physical — and will bark at opponents and fans alike! Seriously! Just ask that racist Texas Tech fan. Rondo broke his hand on a trampoline, so this is Smart’s show for the time being. And for that brief window after Rondo gets back and before he gets traded to the Knicks (spoiler alert), you’ll see him starting at the two when Avery Bradley inevitably does not live up to his $32 million ARE YOU KIDDING ME contract. 

Seriously Scorching

3. Nerlens Noel’s knees, Center, Stinkadelphia 76ers

Remember this guy!? He absolutely dominated summer league (or as we call it, the only league where you’ll see the 76ers try to win games). Yes, so did Dwight Buyks in 2013 (who?), Josh Selby in 2012 (anyone seen him since?), Anthony Randolph in 2009 (dat potential tho), and … okay, you get the picture. The difference here: this guy can really BANG! Plus, he rocks a hi-top fade haircut! Brandon Jennings also rocked one during his rookie year and magically threw up 55 points. Big hair means big things, people.

2. Elfrid Payton, Point Guard, Orlando Magic

Speaking of big hair and making magic, this hot pick for ROY honors has a serious afro and stud-like skills. Payton is surround by shooters (Channing Frye, Evan Fournier) and lob catchers (fellow rook Aaron Gordon, Mo’ Money Mo’ Harkless), so his assist potential is as high JR Smith while visiting Denver. At 6’3 he’s got the size to take on attacking guards and score on smaller ones. Plus, Payton carries the “no one recruited me out of high school and now I’m going to stick it to everybody” attitude that Damian Lillard evoked during his rookie campaign. Owners, get you some.

1. Jabari Parker, Forward, Milwaukee Bucks

As the third lowest-scoring team in the NBA last season, the future Seattle Supersonics, err, Bucks put up 95.5 points per game. Point 1: There really is no way they could be worse than that with Giannis in year two and Kareem Abdul Jabari Parker on the roster. Point 2: Someone has to score points on this team — SOMEONE — and at this point, hours before the season begins, Parker looks to be that guy. A 20 point, 7 rebound, 3 assist, 2 steal, 1 one block stat line is play on the reg. Also, don’t discount the fact that this guy was drafted after Wiggins. Coach Kidd will have him in F U mode on a night-by-night basis. Parker is must-watch, must-own basketball for fantasy owners this season. 

Banger of the Night, Halloween Edition: Baby Birdman, Miami Heat

No banger won the All Hallows’ Eve quite like this future AAU all-star and #StudOfTomorrow. Sources say that after flying the coop on Friday night, Baby Birdman bagged 32 king-size candy bars, 15 street-side high fives, and 6 — COUNT ’EM — 6 bags of candy corn. What a haul! (Don’t ask what item the real Birdman calls “candy corn.”) 

This kid isn’t due to score points again until next year, but he’s absolutely worth a stash for keeper-league frontrunners who will need to replenish talent after Anthony Davis retires in 2029.

Honorable Mentions: 

Z-Bo’s #FreakyFriday: 22 points, 13 bangs (6 offensive!), and 3 steals vs. Indiana; The Brow’s Saturday Night on the Town: 31 points, 15 bangs, 3 blocks vs. Dallas’ Run DMC; BOOOOOGIE’s Big Hot Fudge Sunday: 34 points, 17 bangs, 5 assists vs. LA Clippers

Dishonorable Dud:

Nerlens Noel: 2 points, 5 bangs vs Miami despite his sky fade haircut SMH 

Banger of the Night, 10/3/14: Marcin Gortat, Washington Wizards

Banger \ˈbaŋ-ər\ noun: 1. A British sausage. 2. A basketball player of mythic size and strength who is relentless on the offensive and defensive glass. He or she absolutely pounds opponents down low and screams like a spotted hyena on the hunt for buffalo flesh when squeezing the orange.

That’s the Merriam-Webster definition of a banger. It’s also the crux of Marcin Gortat’s bio on washingtonwizards.com. Just 24 hours after looking like the Polish paddleboard as he struggled to stay afloat against Chris Bosh, Hammer dropped 20 points (10-13 shooting) and 12 boards on the Orlando Magic. Saturday he will bring his big-time brand of bang to the Bucks, where he’ll be a must-start Center-1. 

Honorable Mentions 

A suddenly relevant Nikola Vucevic: 23 points, 12 bangs vs. Washington; Al-Farouq Baby-Banger Aminu: 16 points, 10 bands vs. Utah; Derrick Party Favors: 17 points, 11 bangs vs. Dallas

Dishonorable Dud

Anderson Varejao: 10 points, 4 bangs vs. the expectations of a fresh $30-million contract

Banger of the Night, 10/29/14: Chris Bosh, Miami Heat

Since departing T-dot for the Cubanos and coattails of Miami D(-W)ade County, Bosh’s pit has been about as soft as duck-feather pillow. (Get two for $32.99 on Overstock.com!)

Last night, however, Bosh was in classic Raptor form as he led the Heat to an opening-night W over the Washington Wizards and first-team all-banger Marcin Gortat. His stat line: 26 points, 15 bangs, 4 assists and a block. Bosh was 3-4 from #downtown and shot 50% overall. 

The Pit-keeper has the Tankadelphia 76ers on Saturday and ends the fantasy week by hosting his former team in South Beach. He has #StudLabel potential for the remainder of your matchup.

Honorable Mentions 

The Memphis BBQ Two-Meat Combo (Z-Bo + Marc Gasol): 57 points and 22 bangs vs. Minnesota; The Manimal: 22 points, 17 bangs vs. Detroit; The Return of Roy Hibbert: 22 points, 8 bangs, 7 blocks vs Philadelphia

Dishonorable Dud

Big Pek: 5 points (2-9 shooting), 8 bangs, 3 turnovers vs. Memphis

The Dingo 69: #12 – #1

THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER. As you prepare to watch the Cavs play their first game tonight, here are the top 12 players of this season. 

12. Russell Westbrook, PG/SG, Oklahoma City Thunder

The absence of KD for the first four to eight weeks of the season threatens to take Rusty to a whole new level of shoot-first-ask-questions-later. Is it necessarily a good thing, though? More shots taken could equal more shots missed, leading to a flattening out of Westbrook’s fantasy potential. Regardless, the upside is worth taking a gamble on, and he’ll still be great when Durant comes back.

11. Blake Griffin, PF/C, LA Clippers

One of the truest, most aggressive bangers in the league, Griffin brings unbridled delight to any fantasy team because he scores with panache and joie de vivre and with his balls in his opponent’s face. His connection with CP3 is unstoppable, and with the Clips set for a big season, this guy is going to be an absolute monster. Get him on your team.  

10. Damian Lillard, PG, Portland Trail Blazers

Could he be the most valuable point guard in 2014/15? In a crowded waiting room, he is in the conversation to be asked into the doctor’s office and told to take his pants off and lie down on the consultation table before any other point guard is asked to do the same. Plays on a consistent team where everyone knows their role. Hold onto your ankles because this could be a huge season for the guy.

9. Al Jefferson, PF/C, Charlotte Horncats

Now HERE is the real Big Al. Gah, is there anything more beautiful than a Big Al post move? Answer is no, there’s not, now LET’S GO GET A GD SNACK (Hi, Rex!). Makes the art of banging look like poetry, and is almost guaranteed to produce on a surging Hornets team so long as he can stay healthy.

8. Stephen Curry, PG, Golden State Warrios

Is this the year for the Warriors? Could Steph’s threes as well as his assists to Klay and Lee be the secret to winning your fantasy league? Who knows—but here’s a great recipe to curry chicken and broccoli that my mum used to make me at least once a week:

Stephen Curried Chicken and Broccoli Casserole

Ingredients:

cooking spray (such as Pam®)

1 bunch broccoli, cut into chunks - or more to taste

1 (3 pound) cooked rotisserie chicken, meat removed from bones and chopped

2 (10.75 ounce) cans cream of chicken soup

1 cup mayonnaise

1/4 cup lemon juice

1 teaspoon curry powder

salt and ground black pepper to taste

1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese

1 cup crushed corn flakes cereal

1/4 cup slivered almonds (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Spray a 9x13-inch baking dish with cooking spray.

2. Place broccoli into a microwave-safe dish with a lid, pour in a small amount of water, cover, and cook on high in microwave until broccoli is steaming and bright green, 2 to 3 minutes. Carefully remove lid and spread broccoli into the bottom of the prepared baking dish. Spread cooked chicken in a layer over the broccoli.

3. Whisk cream of chicken soup, mayonnaise, lemon juice, curry powder, salt, and black pepper in a bowl and pour sauce over the chicken and broccoli. Spread the Cheddar cheese over the sauce and sprinkle casserole with corn flake crumbs and almonds.

4. Bake uncovered in the preheated oven until the casserole is bubbling, the cheese has melted, and the crumb topping is browned, about 30 minutes.

5. Enjoy!

7. Kevin Durant, SF/PF, Oklahoma City Thunder

Even without a functioning bone in one foot, I still believe KD deserves to be ranked this highly. Here’s why: when active, he can single-handedly carry your team to fantasy victory week after week after week. Every other night, he is worth two top-20 players combined. He’s stinging from last year’s playoff loss, and wants to play at an even higher level this year. Ignore the injury, keep the faith and get him on your roster.

6. Boogie Cousins, PF/C, Sacramento Kings

Lolz this is a hilarious ranking for Boogie but I CANNOT HELP MYSELF, I JUST CAN'T. Freed from the “curse” of Isaiah Thomas (“HE WAS STEALING MY SHOTS NOT FAIR” *crosses arms tightly, pouts*), Boogs is ready to take 75% of the shots on a stinky Kings team this year. And hey, why not! No one else on this team can shoot, except maybe STAUSKAS off the bench. Get ready for a season of bad, banging basketball from the Kings—with this guy leading the charge.

5. Chris Paul, PG, LA Clippers

While he may not shoot as often as Russell Westbrook, or score as many threes as Lillard and Curry, CP3 brings an all-round game, including leadership, to a Clippers team which is on the rise. The Clippers feel well balanced this year, and poised to make a story-tale run at the championship. And it will be this guy leading the way, with elite defense, solid shooting, and dishing lob after lob to his big boys Blake and DeAndre.

4. Lebron James, SF, Cleveland Cavaliers

The King is back in Cleveland and everyone is happy about it. Anyone who followed his work last year, though, would’ve seen that The King felt the pains of his Miami team on the fantasy court just as much as he did in American Airlines Arena. He will take awhile to get accustomed to his new teammates and new coach in Cleveland, and may look to become more of a distributor than an out-and-out scorer. So don’t rely on this guy being the Fantasy MVP to go along with the real deal.

3. Carmelo Anthony, SF/PF, New York Knicks

Dear lord, what happened to the GD Knicks? Goodness gracious me. Big Phil is in town to try to save face, playing games of Telephone with Derek Fisher about how to run the team while also saying HEY THIS IS YOUR TEAM but run it my way but HEY YOU DO YOU. The main problem for Fisher will be getting Melo to snap out of his shoot-first mindset, a near-impossible task that is great news to fantasy owners. Trust me: this Big Dog is gonna eat, and eat often.

2. Anthony Davis, PF, New Orleans Pelicans         

Is this brow, The Brow's brow, the most famous brow of all time? I’m not just talking basketball here, I’m talking all fields, all industries—is he the most famous brow to ever walk the Earth?? I'm pretty certain he is, but hit me @fantasydingo if you think I’m wrong. In the meantime, Davis is back and looking better than ever on a still-mediocre Pelicans team. If he stays healthy, there’s a huge chance he will be the number one player in fantasy.

1. Kevin Love, PF, Cleveland Cavaliers

Should we have ranked him #0? Eh, probably not, that's kind of lame. K-Love may have some doubters out there about his ability to carry a team. But there are no doubts regarding his fantasy ability. While he was the only option on the Timberwolves last year, he will maintain his elite level on the Cavs as LeBron takes on more of a curatorial role, and begins to mentor the likes of Kevin and helps to get them going each and every night. Brings a unique combination of bangs and treys, and can shoot a mid-range one play and take it to the hoop the next. In short, K-Love has it all. 

The Dingo 69: #24 - #13

I'm excited. Are you excited? I'm excited. 

24. Al Horford, PF/C, Atlanta Hawks

BIG AL. AL BORLAND. AL ROKER. MICH-AL KEATON. AL CAPONE. THE BIG FELLA. SCARFACE. SNORKY. SNORKY. Can we just go with Snorky as our nickname for Al Horford this year? Okay cool. He’s back! He’s still a little banged-up, but as we discussed a thousand years ago in this season preview, sometimes a banged-up banger is just the kind of banger you want. The HEART. The SPIRIT. The SHITTY SHOULDER DON’T FOCUS ON THAT GET YOUR MIND BACK ON THE HEART. THE SPIRIT.

23. Derrick Rose, PG, Chicago Bulls

Oh my me, now I don’t want to be the one to tell you guys, but knees make up a crucial part of any body, let alone a body required to jump for a living, over, and over, and over, and over again. Anyhoo! I love this guy, love his drive, love the Bulls, love his new hairdo. Love it all. Just worried about his knee! That’s the sort of expert insight you were looking for, correct?

22. Eric Bledsoe, PG/SG, Phoenix Suns

I call this guy Mr. Rockstar, after that Rockstar Energy drink. He’s got so much pep! It’s like drinking somethin’ fizzy! And he’s a little fella too, which I love. Got paid during the offseason, has a slightly dodgy injury, and the point guard threeway situation in Phoenix has gotta be slightly concerning to fantasy owners. But out of all three guards, I have the most faith in this guy. A rock.  

21. Kyrie Irving, PG, Cleveland Cavaliers

This is the SEASON OF NO EXCUSES for Kyrie, the should-be Boomer from MELBOURNE (pronounced Mel-Bawn), Victoria, DOWN UNDER. I’m hearing a lot of rumblings out of certain fantasy camps who are concerned about Irving’s production alongside a small forward who loves to bring the ball up. Poppycock! Irving should have the best season of his career as the now-third-option in Cleveland. Expect great things. Be disappointed if he doesn’t deliver.

20. Chris Bosh, PF/C, Miami Heat

Finally, finally, Miami is TRULY Bosh’s Pit. The moment Chris has been waiting for since the second his toes his the sandy shores at South Beach. The Pit can finally go back to doing what he loves most: shooting like there is no tomorrow. Does the pressure get to the guy, or does he relish being the #1? He relishes it: a huge fantasy season ahead for Bosh.

19. Nerlens Noel, PF/C, Philadelphia 76ers

WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING HERE? I’ll tell ya. Noel showed me a LOT when I conducted a deep Summer League Scouting Mission earlier in the season (big shoutout to the guys at the Golden Corral—great rooms, better odds). He’s showed me even more late in the preseason, just stuffing the stat sheet on the shittiest team in the league by far. I’ve got him ranked in the high teens, but don’t be surprised if Noel sneaks into the top 10 this year, if things are as bad as we all expect in Philly.

18. Kyle Lowry, PG, Toronto Raptors

You’re going to get consistency out of Lowry this year. He’ll be on double-double watch most nights, but I wouldn’t be expecting too many breakouts—the guy struggles with his shooting sometimes, and it’s a lot to expect another bump from his increased production last year. Still, he’s in the upper echelon of a crammed group of guys you can having running your fantasy floor.

17. Joakim Noah, PF/C, Chicago Bulls

Has the potential to be a top 2 banger this year. There, I SAID it. Nobody pulls down a rebound like The Joker: and now, with his newfound love for dimes, and the pressure valve release of no longer being the Bulls’ Instant Offense, The Joker can be expected to shine on like a crazy diamond this season.

16. Lamarcus Aldridge, PF/C, Portland Trailblazers

GD these Trailblazers have been quiet this offseason! While the rest of the league played footsies with one another (with the odd coupling and exchange of bodily fluid here and there), Portland has just gone about its business of retaining and training their elite unit of bangers, led by this guy. He’s in a contract year, too, so get ready for some explosive numbers.

15. James Harden, SG/SF, Houston Rockets

Little known fact: my first ever shirsey was a James Harden OKC shirsey, purchased on the eve of their finals campaign against the Heat. My first night of wearing it came in that game where the Heat blew out the Thunder in the first quarter, leading about 69-3 after ten minutes. I knew right then and there that this shirsey was cursed, but little did I know it would force the Thunder to trade Harden for no assets to a team which I have ranked as the Most Boring Team to Watch in the GD League. Still, he’s gonna get you a lot of points a lot of nights with his 4,000 three-point shots. Sigh. Let’s move on.  

14. John Wall, PG, Washington Wizards

WALL STREET AND BEALE STREET RUN THIS TOWN SOUTH TO NORTH. AND IF YOU WANT TO GET TO HEAVEN, YOU NEED TO TAKE ONE OF THOSE TWO STREETS, CROSS THROUGH THE POLISH SECTION, GRAB A BRAZILIAN KEBAB AND TAKE A RIGHT WHEN YOU SEE KEVIN SERAPHIN'S LEFT BOOT. I tried all season long last year to trade for this fella—a real energy guy, great in transition, loves to push his teammates (like The Hammer) above and beyond what they’re otherwise capable of doing. Excited by what Washington could be building this year.

13. Serge Ibaka, PF/C, Oklahoma City Thunder

The defensive giant puts up huge numbers largely because he plays next to Perk, who puts up no numbers at all (how does Kendrick still have a job? Anyone?). Another guy with the potential to Make The Leap this year with the absence of Durant (Russell the Oklahoma Hustle can’t score ‘em all, despite what he thinks). Could be ranked a little high here, but you know my love for all things Spanish (paella!). 

The Dingo 69: #33 - #25

The season is almost here. Get ready. 

33. Nicolas Batum, SG/SF, Portland Trailblazers

Batum Raider was the most consistent performer on a dy-no-MITE Trailblazers team last year. The Frenchie pulls in boards and scores with abandon, and now, in his seventh season in a very steady and high chemistry team, has the capacity to be one of the True Cogs in your team.

32. Paul Millsap, PF/C, Atlanta Hawks

Could be ranked too low here, although Horford’s return promises to diminish his scoring somewhat. But GD did Millsap look good last year. Gets to the line, can shoot threes, distributes: the guy is an all-in-one banger with subtlety and flair (he was there!) that you usually don’t find in a big man. Don’t be surprised if he makes an even bigger leap than last year and becomes a top-12 fantasy performer.

31. Thaddeus Young, SF/PF, Minnesota Timberwolves

Can we expect Thad to put up similar numbers on his new, better team than he did on the Tankers last season? Who can say, this T-Wolves team is an absolute crapshoot. But hey, it will be F-U-N to find out! Thad is the banger who can score on this team, so expect him to see the ball a bunch, drive it into that lane and get it to the GD bucket.

30. Kobe Bryant, SG/SF, LA Lakers

Meant to rank this guy 40th (lolz!) but he sneaks up because of the bullshit nature of the rest of this Lakers roster. Injury and geriatric concerns make him a do-not-draft for me, but if he manages to stay healthy (again, lolz!), you can be sure he’s going to take a ton of shots and run this team however he wants to. Beware, drafting Kobe also has the negative aspect of meaning you have to pay attention to Lakers game which NOBODY wants to do for the next three years.

29. Dirk Nowitzki, PF/C, Dallas Mavericks

Does the Bratwurst Boiling Bavarian have one more big season in him? Will Party Parsons help or hinder the German’s production? And just how many viral videos of Dirk dancing with elves will the Mavs custom marketing team put together this holiday season? All questions will be answered in due time. I heart Dirk.

28. Kawhi Leonard, SG/SF, San Antonio Spurs

Was anyone else lucky enough to be given as a gift a Kawhi Leonard bobble-head doll last season? And if so, was anyone else un-lucky enough to have that bobble-head broken as they moved their most prized possessions cross-country over the summer?? I guess what I’m asking is, CAN SOMEONE SEND ME A NEW KAWHI LEONARD BOBBLEHEAD PLEASE?

27. Ty Lawson, PG, Denver Nuggets

I admire this guy’s solid thickness through the trunk. He’s like a fit Fatty Felton, loves to score and dish and probably eat but is working hard to KEEP OFF THE POUNDS, GD TY DON’T GO DOWN THE FATTY FELTON PATH. A dodgy hammy threatens to keep him out early, so Ty, stick on the salads through this tough period of time.

26. Goran Dragic, PG/SG, Phoenix Suns

Whenever anyone asks me about Goran and Zoran Dragic, I just smile and nod, and direct them to my battered copy of Lonely Planet Slovenia, a silent reminder that these brothers are just like their homeland: the HIDDEN GEMS OF EUROPE. Of course, Goran is a Blood Diamond and Zoran is a Cubic Zirconia, but still—hidden gems!

25. Mike Conley, PG, Memphis Grizzlies

This guy has been a fashionable pick for a point guard who’s ready to make the leap. And he could be, depending on how the Grizzlies start this season. I worry that he doesn’t shoot enough, and that he doesn’t shoot well enough. But he’s ranked here because I have faith that Memphis is going to have a stellar year behind their big bangers, and Conley will be there to cash in. 

The Dingo 69: #42 – #34

As the tip-off nears, we continue to count down the top 69 NBA players for this fantasy season. 

42. Danilo Gallinari, SF/PF, Denver Nuggets

Se la grande salsiccia italiana ottiene andando, e se il ginocchio non fibbia sotto il peso di buttare giù un migliaio di gruppi di tre , questo potrebbe essere un grande stagione per Danilo a Denver . Il Dingo predica pazienza con questo grande uomo con un tocco d'oro che potrebbe essere sotto un limite di minuti per i primi mesi , ma tenere duro e sarete ricompensati . Spaghetti orischetti fusilli alla carbonara a red sauce.

41. Dwight Howard, C, Houston Rockets

TOO LOW FOR THE BEST BANGER IN THE LEAGUE?? Maybe. MAYBE. But hear me out. 1. He’s awful to watch. 2. He gets fouled a lot. 3. He’s bad at the free throw line. 4. Someone in your draft is going to pay way too much for him/draft him too highly. 5. The Rockets have no chemistry, and are going to struggle this year. Have I convinced you yet?? I mainly just do not want to have to watch Rockets games this year.

40. Marc Gasol, C, Memphis Grizzlies

The paella-lovin giant single-handedly rose the Grizzlies into contention when he came back last season. Loves to bang, loves to score from mid-range on banging with his back to the basket, Spanish-style. Olé! Might be ranked kinda low here actually, has the potential to finish the season inside the top 20 if he can stay healthy.

39. Jrue Holiday, PG, New Orleans Pelicans

Do you remember that summer when Dizzee Rascal was relevant and released this banging track?? Every time I see Jrue I think of this song, because he’s often playing in that laissez-faire, shooting-hoops-in-the-summer style. When he’s not injured, of course. Has the potential to feed The Brow this year, plus sink plenty of treys when the defense focuses on his big banger of a teammate.

38. Marcin Gortat, C, Washington Wizards

GD, how did I rank this guy so low?? The Polish Hammer has had perhaps the greatest off-season of any player ever, ever, ever in sport’s history (not the sport, sport in general). If you don’t follow him on Instagram, you’re wasting your life. While it remains to be seen if the Wiz-ards are the Real Deal this year, or if they’re just talking a big game, you can be certain that The Hammer is gonna pull down a bunch of boards, and is gonna look damn good doing it.

37. Chandler Parsons, SF/PF, Dallas Mavericks

Put the Cuban club-signing aside for a second. Put the weight/muscle gain aside for a second. Put the self-obsession with his fancy, pretty-boy looks aside for a second. Put them all aside for a GD second because even though he signed the papers with the late-night Cubano sandwich, Chandler has entered Rick and Dirk’s World now. And what better place to release that potential and learn how to play some down and dirty, highly efficient bucketball than the house that Those Guys built. Club nights are OVER, Chandler! Time to STEP UP. 

36. Victor Oladipo, PG/SG, Orlando Magic

Okay, he was placed here pre-facial injury, and it really hurt me to see that injury because I truly, truly believed that this was the year of the Big Leap for Victor. He showed signs of promise last year, and even had the odd moment of fantasy greatness on a shitty Orlando team with few other contributors. When he eventually comes back, he could form a cranking backcourt combo with Elfrid Payton. Draft with patience in mind.

35. Klay Thompson, SG, Golden State Warriors

Possibly a little low for the guy who apparently is more valuable than Kevin Love (not true). He’s certainly been lighting up the pre-season, but what concerns me is that he loses a bunch of three point looks to the Second Splash Brother - it’s not like he’s the out-and-out shooter on a team. Maybe that helps in his efficiency, but it does have the capacity to eat into his attempts. Still, you’ll struggle to draft much better at shooting guard.

34. DeAndre Jordan, C, LA Clippers

Some bangers have a mystical, Zen-like ability: 9 times out of 10, the rebound seems to fall their way. Do they box out with more physicality? Do they position themselves better? Are they taller, faster, stronger? Nah, it’s magic. DeAndre HAS that magic. Usually can’t score for shit, but my me can the guy bang the boards. One concern for this season: how much does the addition of SP Spencer Hawes dig into his court time and stats? While it might take him down slightly from his astronomical numbers of last year, you can still expect plenty of double-digit rebound nights.

The Dingo 69: #51 - #43

Here in full is the third installment in The Dingo's list of the top 69 fantasy basketball players for the 2014-2015 season. 

51. Monta Ellis, PG/SG, Dallas Mavericks

I polished off a delicious Slam Magazine feature on Monta on a recent cross country flight. The guy LOVES Dallas. LOVES a double-decker Cubano sandwich with a side of Coach Carlisle fries and sweet pickles. He feels happy and revved up and holy shit is this the YEAR OF THE MAVS?? Absolutely not! But hey, who cares, Monta is pumped! And ready to shoot and pick and roll the Western Conference to death. Could provide great value.

50. Gordon Hayward, SF, Utah Jazz

Someone has GOT to score points on this team. And it well could be this guy! Fresh off a contract which will give him absolutely no incentive to perform (except perhaps guilt?), Hayward heads up a sad-ass Jazz outfit with his oddball collection of floaters and generally nice-guy play. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Gordon take over a game with his lack of aggression and airy, high-risk mid-range jumpers. Of course, the Dingo will probably pick him up seeing as I’ll be watching all 82 games of Dante’s Debut Season: Survivor Outback Edition. So you should too.

49. Brook Lopez, C, Brooklyn Nets

Are the Nets still in the NBA? The team has followed up one of the biggest (and ultimately underwhelming) offseasons with one of absolutely no note, aside from the Jason Kidd debacle. And Brook Lopez’s return! Your fantasy team needs at least ONE big man with foot problems this year. Look, think of the upside - people will worry (probably unnecessarily) about recurring injury problems for Brook, and you’ll pick up potentially one of the best bangers on the board for a low low price. Get in now while they buying is good!

Update: Brook has a soft tissue injury to the same foot. Do not draft Brook Lopez.

48. Jabari Parker, SF, Milwaukee Bucks

Will he be the highest ranked fantasy rook of 2014? MAYBE. Regardless, I like what Chef Kidd is cooking in Milwaukee right now. He’s taken a recipe for bland stew, a dish which has underwhelmed restaurant patrons for consecutive years, skimmed some of the fat from the top of the pot (O.J. Mayo we PRAY), a little fenugreek seasoning (GIANNIS), STIRRED UNTIL SHIT IS REALLY MELTING (Larry Sanders!) and then finish with some fresh BABY SPINACH (JP) to complete the dish! Voila!

47. David West, PF, Indiana Pacers

The only guy worth a damn on the Pacers towards the end of last season, West is the guy who I believe stands to benefit the most in fantasy from Paul George’s (possibly) season-ending injury. The banger has an electric mid-range jumper (if there is such a thing), plus had to step up and bang plenty of boards when Roy Boy went on his Emotional Walkabout late last year. Only thing going against him are Papa Time and injuries—Vogel has said he’ll limit his minutes—but expect the Pacers’ stuttering offense to channel through the big man for long sections this year.

Update: He’s also injured. These old bangers, man! Can’t even make it through the preseason!

46. Isaiah Thomas, PG, Phoenix Suns

The Dingo jumped on the IT2 train very early last year, drafting him when many were lucky enough to grab him two or three weeks into the season off the waiver wire (I will ALWAYS reach for a little man: FACT). He’s landed in a somewhat dicey situation this year from a fantasy perspective, but expect him to get plenty of minutes in Phoenix as the Suns rotate him through with Dragic and Bledsoe. The team is going to put up plenty of points, and IT2 has the potential to be in the thick of it.

45. Kenneth Faried, PF, Denver Nuggets

The Manimal just got better and better as last season went on, finishing the year with an average of almost 14 points and 9 bangs a game. Expect him to up those stats significantly this year in a Denver team I think has a chance to SHINE LIKE A CRAZY DIAMOND. Kenneth is gonna channel his Team USA energy, make his moms proud and crank the heat up to Super High in the Colorado kitchen. Prepare to be on double-double watch every fourth night.  

44. Rajon Rondo, PG, Boston Celtics

I know, he hurt his hand in the shower (NOT the trampoline center he visited earlier in the day, all you conspiracy theorists out there!), but when fit towards the end of last season, Rondo proved his fantasy value hasn’t slipped despite all the boo-boos. Coming back to the game with an improved 3-point shot that didn’t impact his assist numbers, be prepared to take a stash-and-dash approach with this one, who could also be traded or hurt himself all over again before the season is out.

43. Pau Gasol, PF, Chicago Bulls

This pick terrifies me. Saying Pau is due for a big season after so many years and so many injuries with a new team, new format, new coach and new cold climate (he’s old!) provides enough what-ifs to put you off the balletic banger. But he’s the piece the Bulls need, and if he gets it right, if, if, if...sigh. Do what you want. Every fantasy team needs an old banged-up banger to hold it together. Just don’t double down on them.

The Dingo 69: NBA Countdown, #60 – #52

And so it continues. Carrying on from yesterday's first installment, here's the second batch of studs for this year's fantasy basketball season. 

60. DeMar DeRozan, SG/SF, Toronto Raptors

As was recently reported in Fox News, DEmar DErozan has spent the offseason hard at work improving his skillz: “Eager to improve his left-handed dribbling and ability to finish plays, DeRozan ate with his weaker left hand, used it to pick up items around the house, and even sat down regularly to write out the alphabet with his infant daughter.” LOVE THE DEDICATION, DEmar! Gah, that whole GD team bloomed the minute they ran Rudy out of town.

59. Rudy Gay, SF, Sacramento Kings

Woah shit, sorry Rudy, didn’t see you there! Fresh from a stint on Team U-S-A in which he dropped some weight (no paella for Rudy! He hates the stuff), Gay is ready to assume his shoot-first, think-later regime now IT2 has left the building. I see a feud brewing between Rudy and Boogie. I see it and I don’t like it. Approach this gentleman with extreme caution.

58. Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Philadelphia 76ers

Slightly injured, slightly inept, slightly unproven, but probably the second-best scorer in the Philly Tanker Ships this season, with Thad Young gone and everyone else hurt/still a future draft pick (check this out for a starting 5: Carter-Williams/Keith BOGANS/Luc Mbah a Moute/Nerlens Noel/Henry Sims. WOW.) DO pick Carter-Williams up on 2k, though – he’s an above average video game option!  

57. Dwyane Wade, SG, Miami Heat

Wade only makes the top 69 because of the absence of Lebron, with the big question being, does the absence of the King make for a better season? He’ll be needed on the court more this year to create more scoring options, so do more minutes equal more production? Or does it make him more injury prone? Unable to keep him in cotton wool until the playoffs, owners could see a bump from his mediocre numbers last season, but his injury risk is high. He also may have just straight-up lost it if the Finals series is anything to go by. He’ll be on my do-not-draft list, but does hold some value if you get him at the right (low) price.

56. Tim Duncan, PF/C, San Antonio Spurs

 While the Dingo maintains huge respect for this old banger, concerns exist over his minutes and his body’s ability to make it through the season. He’s 38 years old—that’s old for anyone, let alone a man whose built his reputation on banging, and banging hard. That said, if he can stay fit, the guy can be a double-double machine in an elite unit. Pick him up out of GD respect for the man and the GAME.

55. Anthony Bennett, PF, Minnesota Timberwolves

The Dingo plucked Fatty B from the waiver wire late last season as he started to show signs of life on the Cavs. Sadly, he picked up another nagging injury so he failed to bloom. But after a season at Fat Camp, the #1 pick is looking STRONG. Anyone who scouted him this weekend gone in a preseason hit-out against the Pacers would’ve been impressed with his physique and his physicality. Fatty B is gone—BAD-ASS BANGIN B has arrived. This is the year Canada gets behind the T-Wolves and they go deep (more there in a future column). For now, just be sure this guy is ready to take it to another level.

54. Lance Stephenson, SG/SF, Charlotte Horncats

The Dingo’s Lance Love only got deeper during the offseason after he left the Pacers in the lurch and headed to Mike’s World to ball out with Big Al’s Wrecking Crew. The Horcats definitely make my 5-team Poor Man’s League Pass List, along with the T-Wolves, Trail Blazers, Bucks, and Exum’s Army (more justification to come, because I know, it’s needed). Lance is a big reason behind that, and when he gets going, he is the perfect fantasy player—the man just cannot stop himself from getting involved. Of course, that can also mean he blows points on off nights, so take the good with the bad and get on board because this Express Train to Hell is taking ALL PASSENGERS.

53. Andrew Wiggins, SG/SF, Minnesota Timberwolves

I cannot stop watching the Rubio-to-Wiggins alley-oop from the weekend win over the Philly Tankers. The sheer CHEMISTRY between these two is off the charts. And it’s still only the preseason! Ricky looks like he’s been vacationing in Majorca for the last 69 months he looks so chill now K-Love is out of town. And Wiggs? Best thing that could’ve happened to him from a fantasy perspective was getting the hell outta Dodge as soon as the Lebron circus came to town. In Minnesota, he is an instant-leader, gets great responsibility without over-burdening him with expectation, and is primed to put up numbers on both ends of the court. He sits just outside the top 50 right now, but don’t be surprised if he sneaks into the upper end of this list by season’s end.

52. Andre Drummond, PF/C, Detroit Pistons

This pick concerns me. I had faith in the Pistons last year (a lot of people did, God knows why), and I got burned. Got burned bad. This year, I’m slightly more optomistic that Stan Van Man can bring a semblance of value to their game. But any team with J-Smoove on it just straight up worries me from a fantasy perspective. How many potential points will Drummond lose to J-Smooves bricked-up jumpers? Handle with caution, but if The Gunge can get things going in Motor City, good things could happen here.

The Dingo 69: NBA Countdown, #69 – #61

Over the next two weeks, the Fantasy Dingo will be counting you down to the tip-off of the 2014/2015 NBA season with his top 69 fantasy basketball players for this year. Here are numbers 69 through 61. 

69. Tony Parker, PG, San Antonio Spurs

LOCK UP YO WIVES, YO. Who else did you think could possibly take this coveted spot?? Tony Parkerthario, his energy levels reenergized after an off-season trying to pour champagne off the Larry O’Brien trophy and into Lady Gaga's mouth, is ready for another big season. Despite Pop’s minutes limits, expect solid production from the point in San Antonio again this year, especially with Fratty Patty Mills out for the first part of the season.

68. Deron Williams, PG, Brooklyn Nets

Pains me to put him in front of Tony, but then Tony requested that spot so you’ve got to respect the man’s wishes. Anyone unlucky enough to have D-Will on their team last year would know that this pick has a huge asterisk beside it. He says his ankles are healthy, and he says he’s moving with “greater ease” this year. If he stays fit, he could be a top 20 performer. That’s a big “if” though.

67. Andrew Bogut, C, Golden State Warriors

The banged-up Boomer! Another injury-prone legend, when Bogut was banging last year, he was banging, and you know how much I like a banger who can bang, let along one who grew up banging Down Under (oi!). Should fall in drafts due to the likelikhood of injuries, but if you need a spiritual heart to your team (you do), plus 69 rebounds a night when fit, the guy is a must-own.

66. Roy Hibbert, C, Indiana Pacers

You’ll see these words a lot during this preview: SOMEONE’S GOTTA GET THE POINTS (AND BOARDS) ON THIS TEAM. In the case of Roy, hopefully he’s taken some time this off-season to wash off the stink he accrued in the first quarter of 2014, and is ready to bang the boards and get back to at least a fragment of the man he was at the start of last season. I’m rootin’ for ya, Roy! I like Roy a lot. He once hit on a friend of mine in college, and apparently was a real gentleman about it! It could be a comeback of sorts this year, playing in a greatly-depleted Pacers outfit.

65. Kemba Walker, PG, Charlotte Horncats

I refuse to call these guys the Hornets when there is such a good hybrid name available. Walker Connecticut Ranger has been the focus of a number of off-season articles, questioning his worth to the franchise and asking if he really is a top 20 point guard. For fantasy purposes, the kid can shoot, create and even bang a little for a short guy, and in a new backcourt pairing with Lance “Dingo-favorite” Stephenson, looks poised to shine this season.

64. Giannis Antetokounmpo, SG/SF, Milwaukee Bucks

Do you think Bucks beat writers have the spelling memorized by now, or are they still copy/pasting from the last article? Regardless, the Greak Freek is primed for his Breakout Year, his Sophomore Zorba, his dolmades-infused feast with Zaza and Jabari (BYO tzatziki, guys!). He was a lower tier fantasy performer last year, but will be leading the way in the New Kidd’s On The Block, heralding in a possible Bucks resurgence the likes of which the people of Milwaukee have never seen (they’ve hardly seen anything so this isn’t saying much).

63. Bradley Beal, SG, Washington Wizards

Despite Beal's broken hand, there's still a lot to like about a #stashanddash of the third year Wiz-ard. His jumper is a thing of beauty, he’s just declared himself and John Wall the best backcourt in the game, and the Wiz are rising (#wizrising) on the back of an impressive season last year. Stands to lose a few looks with the addition of Paul Pierce, but still has the potential to explode if he gets fit. Don’t sleep on Beal Street (I have! It's scary!).

62. Derrick Favors, PF/C, Utah Jazz

How many Jazz will we fit into the top 69? Should there be any at all? Both great questions—at one stage I thought we were going to have none, but you’ll just have to wait and see. Don’t love the team’s chances this year, but I am a fan of Fit Favors, who proved himself to be a Banger to Watch late last year. Has good skills for a big man, and will look to connect with ma boy DANTE’S INFERNO on many a pick and roll this year.

61. Ryan Anderson, PF, New Orleans Pelicans

THE STRETCH FOUR IS DEAD. LONG LIVE THE STRETCH FOUR. Or so I yelled at the television as Ryan lay dying on the floor last year, moments after the only serious impact made by a Boston Celtic all season long. He’s back from a couple of herniated discs, and provides an interesting point of difference to the other bangers you’ll mostly be using to stock your front court. Does neck surgery impair your ability to take mid-range jumpers? Who knows, but if you feel it's unlikely to make much of a difference, then this is the guy for you!

NBA: Top 20 Playoff #Studlabels (Outside Current Top 100)

Arooooooooooruffruffrooooooooooooooo! Welcome to the Dingo! All the fantasy sports and other unsolicited lifestyle advice you need in a one stop shop of wild dog madness. 

Let's kick it off with a classic Dingo Ranking. It's almost fantasy basketball playoff time, and with a lot of league trade deadlines already come and gone, it's time to milk that waiver wire for all it's got. So let's countdown the unexpected NBA talents who are going to fly high in Fantasy Playoffs, but are currently cruising loooooooooooooow below the radar. 

Below are #20 - #11: Top 10 coming over the weekend. 

#20: Tony Wroten - Philadelphia 76ers
Yahoo Rank: 373
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Water Tank With Patched Hole in Bottom

Wroten is a not-great-but-slightly-rising player on a fully shitty team. He balls hard, he's averaging over 20 minutes the last eight games, and there is literally no one else to play ball in Philly. 

#19: Glen Davis - Los Angeles Clippers
Yahoo Rank: 147
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Blue Cheese at High Noon

When Big Baby got Bought Out, I thought he was done jacking rimmed-out 20-foot jumpers for the year. But the Clips need Big Boys, and when Baby landed in the O.C., I thought, damn, they're gonna play him for minutes AND he will inevitably get the ball in his hands on offense every now and then AND he's gonna start jacking up some 20-foot jumpers again. And who knows, he may get hot! Cautionary note: due to the air quality of L.A. means he may have even more trouble jumping in his new digs than he did in Disneyworld. 

#18: Steven Adams - Oklahoma City Thunder
Yahoo Rank: 313
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Cold Night on a Cliff with Only a Flock of Sheep for Warmth

Normally the Dingo cannot abide a Kiwi. But the injury to Kendrick Perkins means that you have to shove aside all previous prejudices and consider this giant immediately. He is almost as dirty as Ultimate Boomer Bogut, so could get in some foul trouble. But if he keeps his nose clean, this feisty shepherd has points in him. 

#17: Drew Gooden - Washington Wizards
Yahoo Rank: 337
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Eyes Wide Shut

WHO?? Hear me out, friend, there's some vague logic here. Nene's hurt his knee-knee (ED: YIKES that is awful). Booker is looking just plain bad, and Kev Seraphin, who I am SUPER high on (have you seen that guy shoot??) has also missed the last five games with knee problems. And it's STILL swollen. So KU legend Drew Gooden's minutes are on the rise, and he could soon be seeing 20+ minutes regularly as the Wizards make a play-off push. 

#16: Andray Blatche - Brooklyn Nets
Yahoo Rank: 122
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Timberrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Dingo had Blatche earlier in the season but, when scouted in person (home to the Mavs in January) the banger looked as if he'd been eating TOO MANY OF CARL'S CHEESECAKES FROM THE BARCLAY'S CENTER WTF ANDRAY. A couple of months later though? It looks like Kidd has clamped closed the sweets tray and said SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT. And with KG injured and 80 years of age, it looks like he could get a run together as the Nets move towards the playoffs. 

#15: Giannis A. - Milwaukee Bucks
Yahoo Rank: 221
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Zesty Marinated Feta

Another former Dingo alum, the Greek Freak has been the second-hottest member of the Bucks rotation this season (behind the super underrated Brandon Knight - someone's gotta score points on that roster!). But his suave style hasn't quite translated to the fantasy scoresheet. As the Bucks head deep into Tank Town this next month, will Larry Drew start trying to give his young stud even more time on the floor? Beats me no one can get inside that guy's head. 

#14: Kent Bazemore - LA Lakers
Yahoo Rank: 399
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: South-West Chili Cook-Off

He's averaged 30 minutes a game for the last seven starts. He's shooting the lights out. The Lakers are good awful and have no one else on their team. So why not put him in your lineup for the playoffs? OH HERE'S WHY. Tell the Dingo what this list of names means to you: Kendall Marshall; Wesley Johnson; Swaggy Young; Chris Kaman; Jordan Farmar; Jodie Meeks. What's that? Oh yeah they all looked good then you picked them up then D'Antoni EFFED you and never started them again. Proceed with caution. Upside could be huge with this guy, but it could also be STINKY. 

#13: Patty Mills - San Antonio Spurs
Yahoo Rank: 110
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Ol' Fashioned Roo Jerky

Tony Parker will be nursed through to the playoffs: Fact. Patty Mills has the potential to be a starter who can slam treys OR an explosive player off the bench: Fact. He is also the True Boomer/The Great Australian Hero/The T'ROO'TH so I do not understand why he still sits chillin' on so many waiver wires! You can always count on a true blue mate to get you through a tough time. Just sayin. 

#12: Tobias Harris
Yahoo Rank: 99
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Young Guy on a Heater in Reno

I've already mentioned Big Baby, but this guy is the direct beneficiary of his absence. And sure, he's Yahoo rank 99 right now, but what the hell do those guys know anyway/you're not the boss of me. Harris was on the floor for 41 minutes the other night! 41! He can stroke it, he can bang, he got hot towards the end of last season, and there's no saying he isn't gonna heat up again this year. 

#11: Courtney Lee
Yahoo Rank: 104
Dingo Darkhorse Rating: Soup to Nuts

If you've been playing 2k14 as much as I have these last few weeks, you'll know you can pick up this guy for 20c on the dollar in any trade, any trade at all, for a 2nd round pick in 2kNever, and put him on your team and he will just hit three after three after three. True in real life? Absolutely not. But if you're looking for treys, he could be worth a sniff as the Grizzlies make One More Push.