The Replacements: Finding the Right QB for your Bye Week Blues

With only four regular season fantasy weeks remaining, Week 10 officially kicks off the 2014 #Playoff Push brought to you by Planters “Naturally Remarkable” Peanuts — and brings the toughest QB bye-week bonanza to date. Three of the top six fantasy players will be off duty: Andrew Luck (at home watching film like any stud should), Philip Rivers (at a bar, cooling his Red Robbin-red face with a cool towel while trying to forget the Week 9 Miami shellacking) and Tom Brady (on a boat in the Caribbean learning the ways of GRONK).

Here, we break down which free agents QBs (available in 50% or more of Yahoo! leagues) can fill your stud’s shoes and keep your playoff life raft afloat.

Alex Smith, Kansas City Chiefs (available in 55% of Yahoo! leagues)

Often times finding the right bye week fill-in is about starting a guy who won’t lose you the game (see Week 9, Weeden, Brandon). Consider sir Alex chicken soup for the conservative owner’s soul. Smith has thrown picks in just two of his eight starts this year. Yes, he is up against a shockingly adequate Buffalo secondary (anything above average in Buffalo earns that distinction) that has given up the third fewest points to opposing QBs this year; however, Smith has two speedy RBs in Jamaal Charles and Knile Davis who are primed abuse the Bills underneath through the screen game. That makes starting Smith in relief as tasty as a pile of pile of burnt ends doused in Arthur Bryant’s BBQ sauce.

Brian Hoyer, Cleveland Browns (available in 83% of Yahoo! leagues)

Soon there will come a day when Johnny Football leads this team — and by association your fantasy squad — to the Promised Land. Sunday, November 9 is not that day. The Browns are quietly 5-3, and Hoyer’s steady hand (and ability to keep Johnny’s seat warm) is a big reason why. He has a full squad of so-so receivers, which strangely works in his favor: Defenses don’t have one guy to key on. Thus, they must spread their coverage efforts across the field and deploy some soft zones. Expect Hoyer to go for two TDs and 200-plus yards against a Bengals defense that ranks 15th against the pass…the definition of mediocrity.

Mike Glennon,* Tampa Bay Buccaneers (available in 93% of Yahoo! leagues)

I’m writing this from my office at 3:15 pm EST, so no, I’m not drunk. This could be Glennon’s #BigDay! The Bucs are improving! In all seriousness, they are coming off two very narrow losses against the Browns and Vikings and get to host the m.a.s.h. unit that composes the Atlanta Falcons secondary. Neither team has a run game that warrants fantasy value, so watch as the passing yardage pour down like a Seattle morning between August and May. Glennon will throw at least one pick, but he’s also hit double-figure fantasy points in 80% of his starts. (His other appearance this season came in mop up duty.)

Glennon connected with young stud Mikey Evans for 7 catches, 124 yards and 2 TDs last week against Cleveland’s strong(ish) secondary. Expect that train to keep rolling, and those in desperate need of QB relief need to hop before it leaves the station. Note: You probably have until 12:59 pm on Sunday to board this train.

*Glennon is currently the 69th-rated player in Yahoo! Fantasy Football

The Hayne Train Is My Deep Sleeper Fantasy MVP Pick For 2016

And so the inevitable Australian takeover of the National Football League begins with a letter. Perhaps inspired by The King's penmanship in Sports Illustrated earlier in the year, Jarryd Hayne, one of Australia's finest and most exciting rugby league prospects, announced his intention to retire from his chosen football code, effective immediately, to take up the challenge of making it in the NFL. 

He's the latest in a long line of rugby league players to jump codes, following in the footsteps of players from Israel Folau to Matt Rogers to Michael O'Connor, all the way back to the greatest player of all time, Dally Messenger, in 1907.

But this is no average code jump. This is not a man who will have to make subtle adjustments in where he stands on the field, on whether he plays the ball or places it back to form a ruck. This is a GD explosion, an armageddon, a rebirth, a second spawn, an apocalypse, a recovery from total amnesia, a Benjamin Button-ing-like backwards learning of life if the old man was born with alzheimers and then had to relearn everything again from scratch. And who's the one man in rugby league who could bounce back from that kind of old man/early life memory loss? The Hayne Train, of course. 

He has the Football Smarts. He loves to Get Involved. Depending on what position he chooses to adopt, he may need to put on bulk, but he already has Great Size and Electric Speed. As one of the few analysts who can speak with Real Authority about both codes, I think he is most likely to succeed if he trains as a wide receiver and lines up in the slot, Wes Welker style, taking short passes and relying on his footwork to provide plenty of yards after the catch. The Train himself is talking about focusing on kick and punt returning, but I think that's setting the bar too low. Aim high, you glorious bastard. Drive that choo choo train into the GD sky.

If Hayne is still available in your dynasty keeper leagues, my advice is to swoop in and pick him up off the waiver wire immediately. 

It's Not All Over: Five Unsolicited Pieces of Advice to Turn Poop's Season Around

As many loyal readers and listeners will know, my primary league is one called The Thrill is Gone, a 12-team snake draft league made up of misfit men and adolescents all over these United States.

Within this league is a team called Poop. Here is his team. 

Poop is currently sitting at 2-3 in the Thrill league, and is projected to finish at the bottom of the stink pile after the regular season. But as you're about to see, all hope is not lost. In fact, Poop is just a few roster moves away from fantasy football relevancy, and maybe even greatness (probably not greatness, but still - relevancy!). 

Step 1: Protect the GD Core

Poop needs to highlight the un-tradeable assets on his team. For me, there are three guys with this status: Le'Veon Bell, Demaryius Thomas and Matt Stafford. These are the un-tradeables. Every other player is either a form of currency, to leverage into a better asset, or fat to be trimmed. 

Step 2: Hold Me Closer

One look at this roster and you can tell this is a low-rotation team. There are still a number of players on here with high projected ratings from draft day, but low performance numbers from the first five weeks of the season. Some of these players might still have a chance of coming around; others, you can cut and run, or trade into something better. 

Isolate the guys you believe still have a chance to turn their season around. What does this mean? It means they have a legitimate GD reason for the start to their season being super stinky, have almost resolved that situation, and are ready to come home strong. Jeremy Hill and Jordan Matthews are rooks learning the trade, and both stand to have a better middle and latter part of the season than the beginning. They're a solid hold. Similarly, Bobby Rainey has strong potential in Tampa Bay, with Doug Martin's injury record. He's a hold, too. The rest of this team are the cast and crew of hit Sylvester Stallone film The Expendables (aka THEY ARE EXPENDABLE). Time to get them out of the GD kitchen.  

Step 3: Flip the Flippables 

It starts with Fat Zac Stacy. Hell, some idiot out there will put faith in the guy! Package him up with Eric Decker (no one to throw to him, injury-plagued season so far) and Jordan Cameron (shoulder) and get yourself a GD respectable RB2 and a couple of stinkers. 

Torrey Smith is in hell right now. Something foul is happening off the field with him, so while he may still come back and break out, chances are he doesn't. You've got to move him THIS VERY SECOND if you want to get any kind of value out of him. After another poor performance this week and you'll be forced to drop him to the waiver wire (this is better than holding onto him though, which is certain slow death). 

Chris Johnson is in a similar boat. Try to package him in to a deal with Torrey this week (that is a gross package), or drop him like the steaming stink ball he is/all Jets are and always will be. 

Step 4: Cut the GD Fat

Rueben Randle and Charles Clay have no place on a roster right now. Dwayne Allen and Niles Paul are both on the waiver wire in this league. Pick 'em up! You need a new starting TE because you've already traded Jordan for a half-decent second running back. Look, Andre Roberts is fast-becoming a Kirk Cousins favorite in Washington. He's available. Grab him as a potential WR3. Think of this process like stirring one of your world famous risottos, Poop. You gotta keep that rice turning over or else it congeals at the bottom of the GD pot. 

Step 5: Start the Right Guys

This current roster stinks of a team playing in fear, rather than a team playing with expectation. You've got to start a team with confidence, not paranoia. Here's my new starting roster for your team: 

QB: Fratty Matty Stafford

WR1: Demaryius Thomas 

WR2: Jordan Matthews (TD upside!)

RB1: Le'Veon Bell

RB2: Whomever you turn Fat Zach + Friends into let's say CJ Spiller (not happening he's on my team and I'm not taking Fat Zach but you get it)

TE: Dwayne Allen

Flex: Bobby Rainey

That's respectable! Plus, you've still got Jeremy Hill on your bench, plus a bunch of duds you got in those trades who you can flip for legit waiver wire assets (Niles Paul!). It's a simple process, Poop. You've just gotta take the first step. 

Dingo Hits Press Play

The Dingo joined the boys at Press Play Radio to pick his studs and stinkers last week. Listen below, and tune in live to Press Play tomorrow afternoon to hear the Dingo in the studio itself. 

Dingo on Press Play

The generous gentlemen of Press Play Radio hosted the Dingo yesterday to get the big tips for Week 3. Listen below, and head to PressPlayRadio.com to find out more. 

Dingo Co-Hosts Press Play Radio

I visited the studios of the Press Play Radio team in Bellevue to give the ultimate Week 1 Fantasy preview! Check it out below, and tune in to the boys this afternoon on 1150AM KKNW to hear our studs and stinkers for Week 2. 

Dingo on Press Play Radio

The Dingo hit the Seattle airwaves last week, making his first appearance with Taylor, Griffin and Dietrich, the Press Play Radio boys on 1150AM KKNW. Check out the segment below, and tune in to the show this week from 4 - 5pm to hear the Dingo's Week 1 advice. 

Hot Hot Heat, RB Edition: 5 Burning Questions

Is this your top running back?

Who gets fat and runs well this year?

The only Jet worth drafting?

How many pies can I eat in a sitting?

What to do with Steve?

It's getting to the end of summer, which means that The Dingo is packing in as many back patio BBQs as he can. Here are five questions pulled from beneath the burning coals as the crew and I sauteed fresh Ostrich sausage from Danny Woodhead's SoCal farm. 

Q: Who goes #1? And does it matter?

The Dingo's first official draft takes place this Saturday evening at 7pm, Delta Time, down in the City of Gators, NOLA, New Orleans, Jazz Town, Ol' Louaineee. And as nine of twelve gentlemen take their seats at Darren Sproles' Memorial Bar and Spa House, the question of which running back goes first will be buzzing around the table. Who should it be?

If it's the Dingo in the box seat, there will be three candidates on my mind: two obvious, one a little from left field. Shady McCoy is getting all of the press at the moment, and has rocketed up the ADP rankings to take the #1 spot on Yahoo!'s list of running backs. Why? Because he features in a very marketable (and fast) offense; because of that step he put on in the snow game against Detroit last year; and because he'll be a hell of a lot of fun to watch play this year, let alone own in your league.

But is the best bet? Last year's owners won't forget the fear they felt when McCoy went down with a pulled hamstring against the Redskins last year. In Chip Kelly's much-written-about, much-lauded high-intensity, run-first offense, could the burden be too much for McCoy to bear? And how many passes does he cede to new-addition Sproles out of the backfield? For me, for a number one pick, that's two questions too many. Which brings us to number two. 

For the whole of July, Jamaal Charles was the #1 ranked running back, consistently going off the board in the first position during early mocks. The reason was simple: he was the best running back of the 2013 season. Almost 1,300 rushing yards with 12 rushing TDs, as well as almost 700 receiving yards and 7 more touchdowns. Anyone who went up against a team with Charles when he piled on almost 50 fantasy points against Oakland last year who is NOT picking him first overall in this year's draft can be easily diagnosed with a case of SHADY FEVER (symptoms include susceptibility to media infection, amnesia, slight redness). 

The reasons against? He's 28 and he's coming off an absurd year, so there is the fear that the wave may have already peaked. It's never great coming in at the back end of a trend - it's how you end up with ten hardly worn Hypercolor t-shirts. So if you don't want to be late to the party, maybe it's worth looking to a man who showed potential and promise last season, and whose situation has only improved. 

Eddie Lacy will be this year's #1 running back in fantasy. Has anyone else loved what they've seen from that Packers offense this preseason? The route running is crisp, Rodgers is back and slanging the ball, and they look impatient as hell to get down the field. They look like Denver looked in the preseason last year. 

Rodgers' return is crucial to take the pressure off of Lacy, but don't be fooled that this is a team that's going to throw all day. Rodgers is going to lean on his sophomore back more and more to eat up the yards, much in the same way Manning used Moreno last year. It's a perfect storm waiting to happen. Don't miss out. 

Q: Who is this year's Eddie Lacy? 

And by that, I don't mean a preseason fatty - I mean a surprisingly fantastic rookie running back! There are four or five promising rookie wide receivers this year, but the outlook for rookie RBs is far murkier. Let me clean away some of the brown mist for you.  

I like Bishop Sankey a lot (disclaimer: Go Dawgs). He was great at college, very nimble, hit the gaps well, ran strongly and could find the end zone. He's got a strong pair of hands, and he's coming into a very palatable situation in Tennessee, where he only has Shonn Greene to beat out for the number one spot. I've started to hear some negatives about Sankey Leg these past few weeks, but don't forget, almost anyone can beat out Shonn Greene. I also think Jake Locker could be in for a comeback year (as I said, GO DAWGS), which will ease up some of the pressure on the rookie running back. I'd take Sankey as high as the fourth round in a 12-team draft. 

Carlos Hyde is in an interesting situation in San Francisco. He's behind Gore in the depth chart, and Gore has been due to regress for some time. But he's such a bull of a back, thick-set and dependable - I love having Gore on my fantasy team, it's a guaranteed double digits score each week and he just knows how to get the extra yards. So I don't see Hyde coming on that well this year, unlike some other pundits. 

My two guys I like for fourteenth round flyers? Jeremy Hill and Dri Archer. Both are situationally great spots for rookie running backs. Hill is a downhill runner out of LSU who offers a different mode of attack to Gio Bernard at the Bengals. Your quick, short running back getting banged around out there? Send in the battering ram to get 'er done. I see him getting some goal line carries from Gio, moreso as the season goes on. 

Archer is simply the not-high guy in the right place at the right time. Since Bell and Blount (lolz) got picked up for smoking gang in Bellie's car, the league has been quiet on their sentences and I've still seen Bell going for as much as $45 in auction leagues. Archer could get some playing time while the boys roll smokes on the sidelines. 

Q: Who is most likely for a comeback year: Chris Johnson, Trent Richardson, or Steven Ridley?

What a RAGTAG CREW. Probably neither, although I don't mind Chris Johnson - that Jets offensive line isn't bad, the running backs just suffered from Geno being bloody useless last year. Opposing teams lined up and unleashed on Chris Ivory and Bilal Powell, which HAS to go down as one of the worst backfields ever. Johnson talks a big game, and while I don't think we're talking old school numbers, he could be a valuable RB3 this year. 

RE: Richardson and Ridley, I refuse to waste words on them. Draft with extreme caution - stinkers both, these boys are. 

Q: How many meat pies could Zac Stacy eat in a single sitting? 

69. 

Q: If you had to compete in the Amazing Race with a top 50 RB, who should it be? 

GREAT QUESTION. I'll tell you what, there are some guys I definitely would not like to compete in the Amazing Race with - Ryan Mathews, fumbling a dare docket above the Grand Canyon I'M LOOKIN AT YOU BRO - but I think I would have to go with my guy in Atlanta, STEVIE JACKSON. Farewell tour! Plus he gets the chance to win something again, which is needed after last season. I worry about those hammies tightening up on a long flight though. Runner up would be Danny Woodhead, because he could fit inside a suitcase if we can only get one seat on a bus to Guatemala, or if there's some challenge to fit inside a suitcase (have you seen that show? Those guys are running out of ideas, big time. But then it won an Emmy this year! What the hell! Fickle.) 

Hot Hot Heat, QB Edition: 5 Burning Questions

Will tiny dancer boogie?

Anyone worth drafting here?

Can Phil stay serious?

What's making Jay sad?

Is this your savior?

Didn’t The Dingo tell you to get out of the kitchen if you couldn’t handle the GD heat? Just for you, here are five burning questions pulled from the fire I lit under a bubbling cauldron of QB bobble heads in a dark, dank corner of the Dingo Den. 

Q: Peyton Manning: fine wine, washed up, or same old old same? 

I had a good chat with Cooper Manning this week over a plate of curly fries at Archie’s, down at Harrah’s New Orleans (great spot for a draft if you can rope in eight extra fans from the bar to meet the 20-person minimum to book a room - worth it, trust me). I asked Cooper how the old dog was holding up. Nah, not ya dad, Coop—Peytie Pie! Word from the Manning camp is that big bro is moving better than ever this pre-season. He’s looking and feeling fresh, and with the bulk of his receiving corps back (minus Eric “The Pony” Decker), is set for another epic fantasy season. 

But just how epic? In The Dingo’s world, he’s worth a pick in the early to mid-second round—no higher. A tough early schedule (Colts, Chiefs, then away to Seattle in the first three weeks) doesn’t give the Denver O a lot of time to settle, while tough mid-season games away at the Pats and Rams make for a rougher schedule than last year. I also worry about the inevitable regression after last year’s super season—even if Manning passed for 5,000 yards and 40 touchdowns, it would be enough of a downturn from last year to disappoint fans who took him in the first round. So sit back and bide your time—there are plenty of QBs to go around. 

Q: Does Colin Kaepernick outperform Russell Wilson at the fantasy table this year? 

Or do the stout defenses of the NFC West render both useless when it comes to fantasy value? Both are currently going in the early-to-middle stage of the 11th round, according to Yahoo ADP. They are both 100% drafted in Yahoo leagues, so they hold value and interest in owners’ minds. They both love to run—Wilson racked up 539 rushing yards last year, at an average of 5.6 YPC, while Kaepernick rushed for about the same (524 yards, 5.7 YPC). 

But is either destined for a boost into the upper echelon of QBs this year? Kaepernick started last season on fire, looking like The Truth, passing for 412 yards and 3 TDs against Green Bay. The next week, he cooled right off against the Seahawks, throwing for 3 picks and no TDs in a route. It had to dent the guy’s confidence: he threw for 150 yards and no TDs against the Colts the following week, then his numbers struggled to really get going despite the 49ers winning the next five games in a row. 

The takeaway? Kaepernick is a confidence player—we saw that in the previous season when he took over from Alex Smith. In 2014, the Niners get started against the Cowboys (a Romo shootout!), play the Bears at home, then take on what I have rated as a declining Cardinals team and the high-tempo Eagles. I think a fantasy-sympathetic schedule like that could get Kap fired up to get in the zone for a top-tier season. 

Russ on the other hand? Many pundits have noted that the team is too run-heavy for him to have too many breakout weeks (in 2013, he passed for three or more TDs just twice, against Jacksonville and New Orleans). And while his season rushing yards last year mirrored his rival in San Francisco, he consistently rushed more often than Kaepernick in the early part of last season, and it paid dividends: he rushed an average of 49 yards a game in the first six weeks, meaning an extra 5 point bump for owners. The problem is he rarely runs at the goal line - he ran in just one TD last year, as opposed to Kaepernick’s four. 

The end message? Kaepernick represents good value in the 11th Round. Wilson is solidified somewhere between a solid QB1 and a great value QB2, and therefore is rated too highly in his current ADP of the 11th round. He’s a classic homer/Superbowl champion pick, and should not be treated as someone whose fantasy value could somehow explode. Of the two QBs, Kaepernick is the guy to take a flyer on.

Q: Philip Rivers is a top 5 QB now? SINCE WHEN??

SINCE NOW. In Yahoo Drafts, Phil is the fifteenth QB off the board, late in the 11th Round. 15th!! What the H, Yahoo users? Big Phil ranked sixth in fantasy points last year for QBs, throwing for almost 4,500 yards and 32 TDs. He also looked damn good doing it, putting up just 11 picks, which puts him ahead of luminaries like Drew Brees, Cam Newton, and Chad Henne (lolz! Just checking you’re still paying attention! Chad isn’t a luminary, he couldn’t light up his own locker). 

Another thing going for Phil is San Diego’s depth this year. Keenan Allen will look to improve on a stellar rookie year, Eddie Royal is no slouch, and they’ve got Danny “WOODHEAD” Woodhead, my favorite player of all time and a true lover of the Rivers of Dreams Goal Line Dink and Dunk. Maybe even Ryan “Stink” Mathews will manage to not do too much damage to the team’s rushing stats. Phil is the truth, he’s top 5 value with a bottom 5 price tag. Snap him up tomorrow. 

Q: Is Jay Cutler for real, or is he a thorn amongst roses?

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear, does it make a sound? Or, more importantly, does Jay Cutler harvest the tree for those mushrooms that grow on the side of the trunk that gets less sun so that he can actually stay healthy this year? 

A huge chunk of your fantasy season rests on injury. So when I read stories about how Jay is set for a breakout season, I think to myself, come on, pundits—short memory, much? The Cutler Scenario is a classic case of inflated expectations thanks to the thick, warm hue cast by his surrounding assets. Do you like the look of Forte, Marshall, and Alshon Jeffrey this year? Great. Draft those guys! They’re good! They perform regardless of who is throwing or handing off the pigskin (and often perform better when it’s not Cutler). 

The main stat you need to remember from last year is this one: out of eleven games, Jay managed just three without throwing at least one pick. He threw two in two games, and three fine interceptions in one memorable trip to Ford Field against that IMPOSING Detroit D (that’s a joke—they’re shit!). That’s nothing compared to 2011 though, when he threw 16 picks to 23 TDs. Or 2009, when he threw 26 stellar interceptions against 27 average touchdowns. Have I made my point? The Cutler Scenario is a disaster waiting to happen. Don’t become a statistic. 

Q: What would happened if you drafted the entire Detroit Lions, helmed by Fatty Stafford? 

WOW. LOVE THE OUT OF THE BOX STRATEGY, LOVE THE AMBITION. 

Some of you who’ve listened to me drone on and on this last year will have been bored by this strategy I deployed in a league of online strangers last year (which, let’s be real, may as well just be an extended mock, seeing as literally nothing at stake). I drafted the full Denver Broncos team—Peytie Pie, Knowshon, Montee, Demaryius, Wes, Eric, Julius, Joel Dreessen…hell, I even grabbed Trindon Holliday! The only one I missed was Matt Prater, because I effed up in the draft and auto drafters started taking kickers in the 9th round and fucking STEVE wouldn’t trade him to me (shoutout to Steve if you’re listening—hey, fuck you!). 

The result? The Denver Broncos (Fantasy Team) went 12-2 and lost in the final! The real life Broncos had a rare down game, against the Chargers I believe, which is the tough part of this strategy—you’re all-in, and if the guys have a bad day and you’re up shit creek. But there are some real advantages to this method, and a Stafford-led Lions might be just the team to try it with. Some things to like about One In All In: 

• You only have to watch one game each week. Hey, it’s not for me, but some people like things to be easily contained. There’s also something super exciting about watching your score go up that quickly, too—you’re on a drive downfield and your numbers are ticking up every play. 
• It pisses other league members off. They all had their eyes on Wes Welker in the fourth round, maybe even backup TE Joel Dreesen as a flyer in the 14th. Suddenly you’re grabbing all their targets one round early, and they’re panicking and taking Anquan Boldin in the Fifth and Chris Ivory anywhere. Hilarious! 
• You eradicate the possibility of cheering against yourself. Own Peyton Manning but going against the guy who has Julius Thomas? Suddenly his TD ended up leaving a sour taste in your mouth—it’s somehow even worse than him not throwing one at all. With the One In All In strategy, you dodge this problem altogether. 

So which teams make sense this year for this far-out style of play? Denver would certainly be a candidate, as would the Eagles, but I kind of like Detroit, for a couple of reasons. You know Stafford is going to be slinging the pigskin like a maniac (29 TDs felt low last year, he could break 35 and 5,000 yards this year with a second quality receiver now on the roster). Johnson is the #1 receiver in the game, and Golden Tate is ready to make the step up (will he wear Google Glass on the field? SHOULD he?? Probably a matter for a separate column). Eric Ebron should see targets. And you could rush with both Reggie Bush and Joique Bell, and not feel pissed when one vultured the other’s yards and touchdowns. WR3 provides a bit of a conundrum, but maybe you stash Ogletree in case he comes on and grab someone from a different team later down in the draft, after you’ve taken the Detroit D (YIKES, I SEE YOU’RE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY) and Nate Freese, if the rookie does indeed turn out to be their kicker. 

Look, I’m not saying you HAVE TO DO IT. I’m just saying, it could be fun! Like experimenting in college, keep it loose and try to stay friends after it’s all over.  

NFL: The Dingo Draft

An email conversation with Adam. Note: Like the GMs in the draft, we were on the clock. 

DINGO

#1: Atlanta Falcons (trade from Houston Texans for #6, plus a 2nd round pick, plus next year's 2nd round pick): Jadeveon Clowney, OLB, Gamecocks

There's so much uncertainty in this year's draft that this is the one guy I feel has no chance of experiencing a Tom Petty-style freefall. But the Texans are in a tough spot in that they know he's the best pick on the board (MOTOR ISSUES MY ASS), but don't necessarily think he's a great fit. They can grab either a QB like Johnny down at #6, or wait to pick up AJ McCarron or Garoppolo in the second round and grab Khalil Mack. Either way, they're bailing out of this pressure pick. The Falcons get the stud of the draft in the position they need. GOOD WORK ALL ROUND GUYS. 

ADAM 

Wait, that's all the Falcons relinquish for #1? The Washington semi-professional football team gave up three #1s, plus a #2, for RG3. Are the fumes wafting from the carcinogenic coast affecting Houston GM Rick Smith's judgement? 

GREAT get for the Falcons.

#2: St. Louis Rams (acquired from Washington via aforementioned RG3 heist): Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

Yes, the Rams just signed left tackle and former numero uno draftee Jake TRIBAL TAT Long to a monster deal last off season, but they go with Robinson because he made this happen:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS-HsQZaYgs. Somewhere, Tre Mason is still running. 

DINGO

See, personally I think there's a sneaky chance the Rams could turn this thing on its head and pick up a QB OF THE FUTURE in that #2 pick. Two years left of Shitty Sam Bradford - imagine if they gave one of these potential #studs a couple-a years to get their head in the playbook, then unleashed them on the playing public in the second half of the 2015 season?? 

But seeing as they whiffed at #2, there is only one option for the Jags...

#3: Jacksonville Jaguars: Johnny Football, QB, A&M

WOWOWOWOWOW. What a franchise-changing pick. Suddenly more than three people give a shit about the Jags. Suddenly merch sales quadruple in a day. With Johnny, the Jags get someone to fill seats, unite a broken team, and win some G-D games. Is Justin Blackmon still on that team, or has he been suspended forever?? If he is, I can just see Johnny taking him under his wing and turning him into a 15 TD a season STUD. 

It's also always bikini season in Florida. Johnny's gonna love it down there. 

ADAM

I CANNOT ARGUE WITH A WORD OF THE GOSPEL YOU JUST UNLOADED AT PICK 3. SHOW JOHNNY F*CKING FOOTBALL THE $$$$$

#4: Buffalo Bills (trade from Cleveland Browns for 2014 1st and 3rd round picks + 2015 2nd round pick): Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson

Absolutely devastated that Johnny Football and Bo Callahan are off the board, Kevin Costner, err the cursed Cleveland Browns opt to LOAD UP and dump this pick off to Buffalo. (If you're lost at this point, watch Oscar hopeful Draft Day immediately.)

EJ Manual needs company at local happy hour haunts TGI Fridays and Dave N' Busters, along with some actual help on the field, and opts for Speedy Sammy. 

DINGO

Oh WOWOWOW. YOU ARE KIDDING ME. I do NOT agree with this trade - imagine if the Browns had Watkins and Gordon (with INSERT QB HERE throwing them the ball)?? Would've been golden. Also I feel like the Bills need an Austin Safarian-Jenkins-style TE in the first round. Anyway, we move on...

#5: Oakland Raiders: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville

Anyone else notice the big fella from Buffalo is crashing like Bo Callahan right now? Regardless, the RAIDERS need to "Make A Splash," and Teddy can be the answer - he works behind Schaub for six weeks, then swoops in Tebow-style to save the season/the jobs of the GM and coach. Anything less spectacular here could spell disaster for a franchise in need of something BIG. 

TEXANS ON THE CLOCK YOUR MOVE RIS.

ADAM

BOLD statement from the Raiders, who by starting Terrell Pryor this year were among the "Play Dead for Ted" all-stars. I could have seen Mike Evans there, BUT WE WILL GET TO HIM LATER

#6: Houston Texans (via earlier trade with Atlanta): Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo

You call 'em crazy, but I call it a classic Texas Two-Step. Trade down to load up on picks and still nab the future #STUD whose name you scribbled on a sticky note as Cha'Boi at 8am this morning. The Texans run a 3-4 D, which means outside pass rush is a MUST. Do the names Brooks Reed and Whitney Mercilus scare you? Sorry, that's an irrelevant question. Let's try again. Have you even HEARD of them!? And isn't Whitney a girl's name?! Those were the kids atop to Houston OLB depth chart until this pick came in. As Kool Keith might say, "THE MACK IS BACK" in H-town.

DINGO

Love that pick. Makes a lot of sense for the Texans - they're not equipped to take a #1 pick! Too much flopsweat! Much better getting a solid pick at #6 and moving on. 

#7: Tampa Bay Bucs: Mike Evans, WR, A&M

Hey, if they couldn't end up at the same team, at least Johnny and his best bud Mike are gonna be in the same state. They can split a timeshare down in South Beach with their new hard earned monies and put in some hard chill time, hitting the clubs, hitting the jetskis, tan time, back to the club again. On the football front, the Bucs have Vince Jackson and THAT IS IT. Their second WR is literally a guy called Skye Dawson? Who?? This pick is pure value and gives Josh McCowan an Alshon Jeffrey-style player to throw to. Lots to love about it. 

ADAM

Mike Evans across from Vince Jackson screams fantasy STUD?! Could he be a 4–5th round pickup come August? I suppose we should take this one draft at a time, which could be a lesson for our next hopeless squad...

#8: Minnesota Vikings: Blake Bortles, QB, UCF

I see new head coach Mike Zimmer ignoring the team's recent history of drafting inaccurate, late-rising DUD QBs from the state of Florida (see Ponder, Christian) and looking to stick it to the even more hopeless and QB-needy Browns for passing on him in their 2013 coaching search in favor of Ron Chudzinskidsfksiiaifadsfasdi. This is personal! Also, literally all this guy has to do is throw bubble screens to Tavon Austin and hand the rock to Adrian Peterson. ANYONE can do that, right?

DINGO

Blake gone, Johnny gone, Teddy gone - wow, three QBs in the top 10! That means only one thing for the Browns here...

THEY TRADE BACK AGAIN. 

#9: San Francisco 49ers (traded from Cleveland Browns for San Francisco first round this year, third round this year, fifth round this year, second round next year): Darqueze Denard, CB Mich. State

Now, I know what you're thinking - this is CRAZY. But here me out. Browns need MULTIPLE ASSETS. They've missed out on the big QB from that earlier trade. That means there's a bunch of QBs waiting for them in Round 2. This way, they put together a big grandaddy of a deal assuring them value assets for the next two drafts, plus the chance to grab their QB either at the end of round 1 or very beginning of round 2. 

The 49ers? They're looking for that piece that's gonna make Russell Wilson's life hell. They're light at Cornerback, and Darqueze is as close to Richard Sherman as you can get without getting Richard Sherman. Case closed. Stop thinking so hard, Kevin - you've made the right decision. 

ADAM

WOWWWWWW!!!!!! First, I love that for the 49ers. There is no real Aldon Smith bomb-squad pass-rush insurance policy of Round 1 value after Clowney, and they still have pick 24 in the 2nd (via KC), which can be used for that need. 

And for those keeping score at home, The Fighting Costner-Browns now have picks 26, 30, 35, 61, 71, 73, 83 and 94 this year! Plus two extra 2nd-rounders next year. Cleveland is the future of football!

10: Detroit Lions: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan

I know what you're thinking here. They were god awful against the pass last season and are a routine punching bag for division foes Alshon Jeffery, Brandon Marshall, Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers Neighborhood. Also who the f are there linebackers/Anthony Barr is STILL ON THE BOARD?

But, BUT, here is the thing: They plan on winning every game 69–65 by throwing bombs to Megatron and Dingo's good friend Golden Tate-Tar-Tar, so there is no way they even remotely consider stopping other team. Lewan is from down the street an Ann Arbor, which also limits what the team pays in moving expenses for their new employee. You need to save every $ when Matthew Stafford, who Lewan will attempt to protect from falling on his arse, is guaranteed $43 million on his current deal. Yes, that is 430,000,000 boneless wings at Croxley's. 

DINGO

This is a wildcard! Jake Matthews is still on the board, bro! He is crying big boy tears right now seeing Lewan go past him because the Lions are looking to save Detroit one bargain-basement pick at a time. But hey, I can see your point - when you translate into 10c wing value, that is a lot of wings they're saving to take the guy slightly less good. 

#11: Tennessee Titans: Eric Ebron, TE, Tar Heels

Many people have the Titans going for defense on this pick, but hear me out. Jake Locker loves to go deep on the bomb. But imagine you had a little outlet for the odd dink and dunk over the top? Ebron is easily the best TE in this draft class, given Seferian-Jenkins' disciplinary problems. He's got infinite potential, can block and catch, and will become one of the Titans' best offensive weapons. 

ADAM

Shockingly smooth move by the Tennessee Titans who have zero studs or identity on their roster. Also shocked, our next team, the New York Giants, who had promised to finally pick a professional football player at TE (notably absent from 2008-2013). Shortly after the Tennessee pick, a well connected source who is attending the official NBC Sports draft watch party, which often hosts C- and D-level NFL players, sent me the following via Snap Chat.

12: Dallas Cowboys (trade #16, 2014 3rd-rounder, 2014 7th-rounder, 2015 3rd-rounder, 2016 3rd-rounder and a dozen Tony Romo signed golf balls): Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama

Yes, the golf balls added enough sweetener for NY to trade with its division foe. Dallas could have hoped to catch Aaron Donald's free-fall, but that would be too logical. Also, we all know how well Dez Bryan would handle someone else getting the ball. The three teams previously between Dallas and this pick all need DB help, so Ha-Ha makes sense as the trade target, but I think the real drive behind this trade is Jerry Jones. He makes us the real winners, because we get to see his face every time his new safety is mentioned aloud.

DINGO

LOVE ME SOME HA-HA. He is a funny guy AND his name is funny, both of which I love/think are a great fit in Cowboy land. Jerry loves this pick. 

#13: St. Louis Rams: Jake Matthews, OT A&M

I KNOW - they took Robinson with the second pick. But they wouldn't have dreamed in a MILLION YEARS that Matthews would still be available this far down. Sometimes you've got to ignore needs and draft pure value - the drop for Matthews has gone far enough, he's a steal down here, and he'll offer great protection for Bradford/whatever QB they draft in Round 2 (AJ McCarron maybe?). 

ADAM

Verrrryyyyyyy interesting. Will Matthews shift into a guard role? WHO CARES YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH FATTIES. I have a high grade on the Rams evening so far.

#14: Chicago Bears: Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh

Never in the Bears' frostbitten dreams did they think Donald, a top-8 talent, would fall to this spot. This is big, because Green Bay stud RB Fat Eddie Lacy is plowing through the middle of that D-line at least 60 times next season like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball. Parking Donald next to mullet-sporting, gun-wielding, #69-wearing DE Jared Allen could be huge for that. How could these two not be best friends?

DINGO

WOW! I forgot about the need to stop Fat Lacy multiple times next year - these two are gonna have each other's BACKS, man! LOVE THAT. I also love the Jared Allen acquisition for the Bears - was hoping that guy might end up on my Hawks, but hey, ya can't have it all. 

#15: Pittsburgh Steelers: Marqise Lee, WR, USC

Classic case of DON'T OVERTHINK THIS SHIT GUYS IT IS ONLY FOOTBALL. Big Ben needs a fast dudes to throw to. Some people like Odell Beckham over Lee, but have you seen the guy burn the turf? Have you heard his rags to riches story? It's exactly the kind of thing that will go down super smooth in the Rust Belt, where he's going to have a quality QB throwing him bullets on the reg. Oh, he had a shit final season, you say? Yeah MATT BARKLEY LEFT YOU MORONS. The speed and skill is still there. Easy decision. 

ADAM

I had Lee pegged to the Eagles at #22, but I can't argue with the pick. He gives Pittsburgh the deep threat it's been missing since Mike Wallace got paid.

#16: Cincinnati Bengals (trade #24, 2014 3rd-round, 2014 6th-round and 2015 5th-round picks to New York, who acquired #16 earlier via trade w/ Dallas): Anthony Barr, LB, UCLA

TE is the only pick that would wipe that smug look off the face of NY G-men captain Eli, who wants his own Julius Thomas plaything and is still sour about missing Ebron, BUT it's way too early for that at 16.

The Bengals are always looking to D UP, because Andy Dalton is their QB and makes scoring points damn near impossible. A LB who uses a designated driver (so, not Ray Maualuga) and/or is not a 242-pound walking corpse (James Harrison) would be an instant success. It's a Queen City miracle that Barr is still on the board, which makes this trade a solid move. 

DINGO

Love that pick - Barr has already dropped way too far here, and brings some much needed STARCH to the Giants. 

#17: Baltimore Ravens: Bishop Sankey, RB, Washington 

Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome is wearing a pair of pants. On those pants there is a pocket. Inside that pocket there is a folded up sticky note. On that sticky note are five simple words: "Bishop Sankey at all costs." Could he pick him up in the second round? Probably. Should he draft a WR here? Almost certainly, sure. But Ray Rice is not long for this NFL world, after his casino exploits in the off-season. The Ravens need a running back to help out Flacco. They've already shored up the receivers with Steve Smith, and Torrey Smith isn't going anywhere (Smith brothers unite!). This is Bishop's time to shine. All the work he's done bulking up in the off-season has him in prime shape to take these Ravens back deep into the playoffs. Now it's time for him to DO THAT SANKEY LEG and build a career for himself. 

ADAM

A true #inspirational story at #17! Go Dawgs! And underestimate the Ravens, nevermore, who can now cut Rice and shave off some extra cap room.

#18: New York Jets: Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State University

No one on earth thinks Eric Decker is a WR1 — something he wasn't even with Peyton Manning throwing the ball — so players like Beckham and Jordan Matthews are in play here. That said, no one outside Dubai has had more trouble replacing a sinking island than the post-Revis J-E-T-S. Antonio Cromartie and his paternity tests have fled for the Arizona desert and Dee Milliner looked lost in his rookie 2013 campaign. Grit-N-Grind Gilbert should shake things up! 

We have an exclusive reaction to this pick from Rex Ryan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8uSPTPXERU

DINGO

I love that pick but we all know there's no way the J-E-T-S JETS are going to go with reason there. They're gonna go with their Rex Ryan gut and probably take another QB to backup Vick to backup Geno. 

Okay, it's almost draft time, so let's just bang through some picks now - no rules, just right. 

#19: Miami Dolphins: Ja'Wuan James, OT, Tennessee

ADAM

Ja'Who!?!?!

#20: Arizona Cardinals: AJ McCarron, #StudLabel QB, Alabama

DINGO

TOO SOON FOR TATT CITY. 

#21: Green Bay Packers: Odell Beckham, WR, LSU (TO REPLACE J. JONES)

ADAM

Not sure how GB passes on CJ Mosley as Clay Matthews new bro — that M&M linebacker corps could'a been NASY.

#22: Philadelphia Eagles: Brandon Cooks, WR, Oregon State (DeSean Jackson 2.0, sans THE GANGS)

DINGO

ARE THERE ANY WRs LEFT?? No there aren't really that's why this pick makes so much sense: 

#23: Kansas City Chiefs: Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State (Because Alex Smith can't live forever/pass very far)

ADAM

WOW! Does this make Chase Daniel trade bait? We could hear that name if the Chiefs are looking to get back in the later rounds.

#24: New York Giants (via trade with Cincinnati Bengals): Jace Amaro, TE, Texas Tech — Eli finally gets his guy! Raised on Kliff Kingsbury's "don't think out there philosophy," he should thrive in the Big Apple!

DINGO

THANK GOD I was sick of drafting bad Giants TEs in fantasy. This at least gives me vague hope. 

#25: San Diego Chargers: Louis Nix III, NT, Notre Dame — I usually steer clear of Notre Damers, but this guy is a big bopper with some smooth moves. Chargers already loaded with weapons (aka Danny Woodhead) so now they just need to bulk up the middle. 

ADAM

I hope Louis fights the urge from society to slim down before hitting the beach, because SD needs that BIG BOD UP FRONT.

#26: Cleveland Browns: Allen Robinson, WR, Penn State

They would have loved to screw up and draft Derrick Carr here but KC beat them to it. Costner lives to fight another day! For now they go for the big body from Penn State who can box out those corners from Cincy, Pitt and Baltimore for the off-target jump balls this mystery QB will inevitably toss up.

DINGO

Have you ever seen this many WRs go in a first round?? Bad luck if you thought you'd snatch Robinson in the third round! 

#27: New Orleans Saints: Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State (I JUST LOVE HIS NAME THERE I SAID IT)

ADAM

Glad to see that Timmy J's affection for the purple kush didn't keep him out of the bayou black and gold!

#28: Carolina Panthers: Calvin Pryor, S Louisville

This is a classic value pick that oozes SWAG.

DINGO

Two Louisville boys in the first round? What a proud night for the Cardinal. 

#29: New England Patriots: Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri — I cannot believe you haven't been a homer and gotten this guy in already! What amazing self control! Super fast, super terrifying, a classic Pat. 

ADAM

KONYYYYY 2014!!!!!! M-I-Z

#30: Cleveland Browns (via earlier trade with San Francisco): CJ Mosley, ILB, Alabama

Everyone is expecting a QB. EVERYONE. And then the Cleveland GM pulls the rug out and selects the workhorse linebacker and vocal leader that he had in mind all along. Sound familiar? Seriously, go see Draft Day.

DINGO

Is CJ Mosely still on the board??? Unbelievable. What a steal for the Browns. They are building a real team here! 

Final pick for me...

#31: Denver: Carlos Hyde: RB, Ohio State — the Broncs need backup for Montee (and maybe even a starter) - Hyde is ready to roll. 

ADAM

Very smart pickup for Denver. Takes more pressure of an aging Peyton with a lil' Ground and Pound!

#32: San Francisco (trade Michael Crabtree to the Seattle Seahawks STRAIGHT UP): Dee Ford, DE, Auburn

What a whirlwind trade to cap off a whirlwind evening! SF offers Seattle a can't-miss offer to replace Golden Tate and banks on it absolutely bludgeoning the chemistry in Seattle. Meanwhile, SF snags the Aldon Smith insurance it so desperately needs!