It's Not All Over: Five Unsolicited Pieces of Advice to Turn Poop's Season Around

As many loyal readers and listeners will know, my primary league is one called The Thrill is Gone, a 12-team snake draft league made up of misfit men and adolescents all over these United States.

Within this league is a team called Poop. Here is his team. 

Poop is currently sitting at 2-3 in the Thrill league, and is projected to finish at the bottom of the stink pile after the regular season. But as you're about to see, all hope is not lost. In fact, Poop is just a few roster moves away from fantasy football relevancy, and maybe even greatness (probably not greatness, but still - relevancy!). 

Step 1: Protect the GD Core

Poop needs to highlight the un-tradeable assets on his team. For me, there are three guys with this status: Le'Veon Bell, Demaryius Thomas and Matt Stafford. These are the un-tradeables. Every other player is either a form of currency, to leverage into a better asset, or fat to be trimmed. 

Step 2: Hold Me Closer

One look at this roster and you can tell this is a low-rotation team. There are still a number of players on here with high projected ratings from draft day, but low performance numbers from the first five weeks of the season. Some of these players might still have a chance of coming around; others, you can cut and run, or trade into something better. 

Isolate the guys you believe still have a chance to turn their season around. What does this mean? It means they have a legitimate GD reason for the start to their season being super stinky, have almost resolved that situation, and are ready to come home strong. Jeremy Hill and Jordan Matthews are rooks learning the trade, and both stand to have a better middle and latter part of the season than the beginning. They're a solid hold. Similarly, Bobby Rainey has strong potential in Tampa Bay, with Doug Martin's injury record. He's a hold, too. The rest of this team are the cast and crew of hit Sylvester Stallone film The Expendables (aka THEY ARE EXPENDABLE). Time to get them out of the GD kitchen.  

Step 3: Flip the Flippables 

It starts with Fat Zac Stacy. Hell, some idiot out there will put faith in the guy! Package him up with Eric Decker (no one to throw to him, injury-plagued season so far) and Jordan Cameron (shoulder) and get yourself a GD respectable RB2 and a couple of stinkers. 

Torrey Smith is in hell right now. Something foul is happening off the field with him, so while he may still come back and break out, chances are he doesn't. You've got to move him THIS VERY SECOND if you want to get any kind of value out of him. After another poor performance this week and you'll be forced to drop him to the waiver wire (this is better than holding onto him though, which is certain slow death). 

Chris Johnson is in a similar boat. Try to package him in to a deal with Torrey this week (that is a gross package), or drop him like the steaming stink ball he is/all Jets are and always will be. 

Step 4: Cut the GD Fat

Rueben Randle and Charles Clay have no place on a roster right now. Dwayne Allen and Niles Paul are both on the waiver wire in this league. Pick 'em up! You need a new starting TE because you've already traded Jordan for a half-decent second running back. Look, Andre Roberts is fast-becoming a Kirk Cousins favorite in Washington. He's available. Grab him as a potential WR3. Think of this process like stirring one of your world famous risottos, Poop. You gotta keep that rice turning over or else it congeals at the bottom of the GD pot. 

Step 5: Start the Right Guys

This current roster stinks of a team playing in fear, rather than a team playing with expectation. You've got to start a team with confidence, not paranoia. Here's my new starting roster for your team: 

QB: Fratty Matty Stafford

WR1: Demaryius Thomas 

WR2: Jordan Matthews (TD upside!)

RB1: Le'Veon Bell

RB2: Whomever you turn Fat Zach + Friends into let's say CJ Spiller (not happening he's on my team and I'm not taking Fat Zach but you get it)

TE: Dwayne Allen

Flex: Bobby Rainey

That's respectable! Plus, you've still got Jeremy Hill on your bench, plus a bunch of duds you got in those trades who you can flip for legit waiver wire assets (Niles Paul!). It's a simple process, Poop. You've just gotta take the first step.