NFL: The Dingo Draft

An email conversation with Adam. Note: Like the GMs in the draft, we were on the clock. 

DINGO

#1: Atlanta Falcons (trade from Houston Texans for #6, plus a 2nd round pick, plus next year's 2nd round pick): Jadeveon Clowney, OLB, Gamecocks

There's so much uncertainty in this year's draft that this is the one guy I feel has no chance of experiencing a Tom Petty-style freefall. But the Texans are in a tough spot in that they know he's the best pick on the board (MOTOR ISSUES MY ASS), but don't necessarily think he's a great fit. They can grab either a QB like Johnny down at #6, or wait to pick up AJ McCarron or Garoppolo in the second round and grab Khalil Mack. Either way, they're bailing out of this pressure pick. The Falcons get the stud of the draft in the position they need. GOOD WORK ALL ROUND GUYS. 

ADAM 

Wait, that's all the Falcons relinquish for #1? The Washington semi-professional football team gave up three #1s, plus a #2, for RG3. Are the fumes wafting from the carcinogenic coast affecting Houston GM Rick Smith's judgement? 

GREAT get for the Falcons.

#2: St. Louis Rams (acquired from Washington via aforementioned RG3 heist): Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

Yes, the Rams just signed left tackle and former numero uno draftee Jake TRIBAL TAT Long to a monster deal last off season, but they go with Robinson because he made this happen:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS-HsQZaYgs. Somewhere, Tre Mason is still running. 

DINGO

See, personally I think there's a sneaky chance the Rams could turn this thing on its head and pick up a QB OF THE FUTURE in that #2 pick. Two years left of Shitty Sam Bradford - imagine if they gave one of these potential #studs a couple-a years to get their head in the playbook, then unleashed them on the playing public in the second half of the 2015 season?? 

But seeing as they whiffed at #2, there is only one option for the Jags...

#3: Jacksonville Jaguars: Johnny Football, QB, A&M

WOWOWOWOWOW. What a franchise-changing pick. Suddenly more than three people give a shit about the Jags. Suddenly merch sales quadruple in a day. With Johnny, the Jags get someone to fill seats, unite a broken team, and win some G-D games. Is Justin Blackmon still on that team, or has he been suspended forever?? If he is, I can just see Johnny taking him under his wing and turning him into a 15 TD a season STUD. 

It's also always bikini season in Florida. Johnny's gonna love it down there. 

ADAM

I CANNOT ARGUE WITH A WORD OF THE GOSPEL YOU JUST UNLOADED AT PICK 3. SHOW JOHNNY F*CKING FOOTBALL THE $$$$$

#4: Buffalo Bills (trade from Cleveland Browns for 2014 1st and 3rd round picks + 2015 2nd round pick): Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson

Absolutely devastated that Johnny Football and Bo Callahan are off the board, Kevin Costner, err the cursed Cleveland Browns opt to LOAD UP and dump this pick off to Buffalo. (If you're lost at this point, watch Oscar hopeful Draft Day immediately.)

EJ Manual needs company at local happy hour haunts TGI Fridays and Dave N' Busters, along with some actual help on the field, and opts for Speedy Sammy. 

DINGO

Oh WOWOWOW. YOU ARE KIDDING ME. I do NOT agree with this trade - imagine if the Browns had Watkins and Gordon (with INSERT QB HERE throwing them the ball)?? Would've been golden. Also I feel like the Bills need an Austin Safarian-Jenkins-style TE in the first round. Anyway, we move on...

#5: Oakland Raiders: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville

Anyone else notice the big fella from Buffalo is crashing like Bo Callahan right now? Regardless, the RAIDERS need to "Make A Splash," and Teddy can be the answer - he works behind Schaub for six weeks, then swoops in Tebow-style to save the season/the jobs of the GM and coach. Anything less spectacular here could spell disaster for a franchise in need of something BIG. 

TEXANS ON THE CLOCK YOUR MOVE RIS.

ADAM

BOLD statement from the Raiders, who by starting Terrell Pryor this year were among the "Play Dead for Ted" all-stars. I could have seen Mike Evans there, BUT WE WILL GET TO HIM LATER

#6: Houston Texans (via earlier trade with Atlanta): Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo

You call 'em crazy, but I call it a classic Texas Two-Step. Trade down to load up on picks and still nab the future #STUD whose name you scribbled on a sticky note as Cha'Boi at 8am this morning. The Texans run a 3-4 D, which means outside pass rush is a MUST. Do the names Brooks Reed and Whitney Mercilus scare you? Sorry, that's an irrelevant question. Let's try again. Have you even HEARD of them!? And isn't Whitney a girl's name?! Those were the kids atop to Houston OLB depth chart until this pick came in. As Kool Keith might say, "THE MACK IS BACK" in H-town.

DINGO

Love that pick. Makes a lot of sense for the Texans - they're not equipped to take a #1 pick! Too much flopsweat! Much better getting a solid pick at #6 and moving on. 

#7: Tampa Bay Bucs: Mike Evans, WR, A&M

Hey, if they couldn't end up at the same team, at least Johnny and his best bud Mike are gonna be in the same state. They can split a timeshare down in South Beach with their new hard earned monies and put in some hard chill time, hitting the clubs, hitting the jetskis, tan time, back to the club again. On the football front, the Bucs have Vince Jackson and THAT IS IT. Their second WR is literally a guy called Skye Dawson? Who?? This pick is pure value and gives Josh McCowan an Alshon Jeffrey-style player to throw to. Lots to love about it. 

ADAM

Mike Evans across from Vince Jackson screams fantasy STUD?! Could he be a 4–5th round pickup come August? I suppose we should take this one draft at a time, which could be a lesson for our next hopeless squad...

#8: Minnesota Vikings: Blake Bortles, QB, UCF

I see new head coach Mike Zimmer ignoring the team's recent history of drafting inaccurate, late-rising DUD QBs from the state of Florida (see Ponder, Christian) and looking to stick it to the even more hopeless and QB-needy Browns for passing on him in their 2013 coaching search in favor of Ron Chudzinskidsfksiiaifadsfasdi. This is personal! Also, literally all this guy has to do is throw bubble screens to Tavon Austin and hand the rock to Adrian Peterson. ANYONE can do that, right?

DINGO

Blake gone, Johnny gone, Teddy gone - wow, three QBs in the top 10! That means only one thing for the Browns here...

THEY TRADE BACK AGAIN. 

#9: San Francisco 49ers (traded from Cleveland Browns for San Francisco first round this year, third round this year, fifth round this year, second round next year): Darqueze Denard, CB Mich. State

Now, I know what you're thinking - this is CRAZY. But here me out. Browns need MULTIPLE ASSETS. They've missed out on the big QB from that earlier trade. That means there's a bunch of QBs waiting for them in Round 2. This way, they put together a big grandaddy of a deal assuring them value assets for the next two drafts, plus the chance to grab their QB either at the end of round 1 or very beginning of round 2. 

The 49ers? They're looking for that piece that's gonna make Russell Wilson's life hell. They're light at Cornerback, and Darqueze is as close to Richard Sherman as you can get without getting Richard Sherman. Case closed. Stop thinking so hard, Kevin - you've made the right decision. 

ADAM

WOWWWWWW!!!!!! First, I love that for the 49ers. There is no real Aldon Smith bomb-squad pass-rush insurance policy of Round 1 value after Clowney, and they still have pick 24 in the 2nd (via KC), which can be used for that need. 

And for those keeping score at home, The Fighting Costner-Browns now have picks 26, 30, 35, 61, 71, 73, 83 and 94 this year! Plus two extra 2nd-rounders next year. Cleveland is the future of football!

10: Detroit Lions: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan

I know what you're thinking here. They were god awful against the pass last season and are a routine punching bag for division foes Alshon Jeffery, Brandon Marshall, Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers Neighborhood. Also who the f are there linebackers/Anthony Barr is STILL ON THE BOARD?

But, BUT, here is the thing: They plan on winning every game 69–65 by throwing bombs to Megatron and Dingo's good friend Golden Tate-Tar-Tar, so there is no way they even remotely consider stopping other team. Lewan is from down the street an Ann Arbor, which also limits what the team pays in moving expenses for their new employee. You need to save every $ when Matthew Stafford, who Lewan will attempt to protect from falling on his arse, is guaranteed $43 million on his current deal. Yes, that is 430,000,000 boneless wings at Croxley's. 

DINGO

This is a wildcard! Jake Matthews is still on the board, bro! He is crying big boy tears right now seeing Lewan go past him because the Lions are looking to save Detroit one bargain-basement pick at a time. But hey, I can see your point - when you translate into 10c wing value, that is a lot of wings they're saving to take the guy slightly less good. 

#11: Tennessee Titans: Eric Ebron, TE, Tar Heels

Many people have the Titans going for defense on this pick, but hear me out. Jake Locker loves to go deep on the bomb. But imagine you had a little outlet for the odd dink and dunk over the top? Ebron is easily the best TE in this draft class, given Seferian-Jenkins' disciplinary problems. He's got infinite potential, can block and catch, and will become one of the Titans' best offensive weapons. 

ADAM

Shockingly smooth move by the Tennessee Titans who have zero studs or identity on their roster. Also shocked, our next team, the New York Giants, who had promised to finally pick a professional football player at TE (notably absent from 2008-2013). Shortly after the Tennessee pick, a well connected source who is attending the official NBC Sports draft watch party, which often hosts C- and D-level NFL players, sent me the following via Snap Chat.

12: Dallas Cowboys (trade #16, 2014 3rd-rounder, 2014 7th-rounder, 2015 3rd-rounder, 2016 3rd-rounder and a dozen Tony Romo signed golf balls): Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama

Yes, the golf balls added enough sweetener for NY to trade with its division foe. Dallas could have hoped to catch Aaron Donald's free-fall, but that would be too logical. Also, we all know how well Dez Bryan would handle someone else getting the ball. The three teams previously between Dallas and this pick all need DB help, so Ha-Ha makes sense as the trade target, but I think the real drive behind this trade is Jerry Jones. He makes us the real winners, because we get to see his face every time his new safety is mentioned aloud.

DINGO

LOVE ME SOME HA-HA. He is a funny guy AND his name is funny, both of which I love/think are a great fit in Cowboy land. Jerry loves this pick. 

#13: St. Louis Rams: Jake Matthews, OT A&M

I KNOW - they took Robinson with the second pick. But they wouldn't have dreamed in a MILLION YEARS that Matthews would still be available this far down. Sometimes you've got to ignore needs and draft pure value - the drop for Matthews has gone far enough, he's a steal down here, and he'll offer great protection for Bradford/whatever QB they draft in Round 2 (AJ McCarron maybe?). 

ADAM

Verrrryyyyyyy interesting. Will Matthews shift into a guard role? WHO CARES YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH FATTIES. I have a high grade on the Rams evening so far.

#14: Chicago Bears: Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh

Never in the Bears' frostbitten dreams did they think Donald, a top-8 talent, would fall to this spot. This is big, because Green Bay stud RB Fat Eddie Lacy is plowing through the middle of that D-line at least 60 times next season like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball. Parking Donald next to mullet-sporting, gun-wielding, #69-wearing DE Jared Allen could be huge for that. How could these two not be best friends?

DINGO

WOW! I forgot about the need to stop Fat Lacy multiple times next year - these two are gonna have each other's BACKS, man! LOVE THAT. I also love the Jared Allen acquisition for the Bears - was hoping that guy might end up on my Hawks, but hey, ya can't have it all. 

#15: Pittsburgh Steelers: Marqise Lee, WR, USC

Classic case of DON'T OVERTHINK THIS SHIT GUYS IT IS ONLY FOOTBALL. Big Ben needs a fast dudes to throw to. Some people like Odell Beckham over Lee, but have you seen the guy burn the turf? Have you heard his rags to riches story? It's exactly the kind of thing that will go down super smooth in the Rust Belt, where he's going to have a quality QB throwing him bullets on the reg. Oh, he had a shit final season, you say? Yeah MATT BARKLEY LEFT YOU MORONS. The speed and skill is still there. Easy decision. 

ADAM

I had Lee pegged to the Eagles at #22, but I can't argue with the pick. He gives Pittsburgh the deep threat it's been missing since Mike Wallace got paid.

#16: Cincinnati Bengals (trade #24, 2014 3rd-round, 2014 6th-round and 2015 5th-round picks to New York, who acquired #16 earlier via trade w/ Dallas): Anthony Barr, LB, UCLA

TE is the only pick that would wipe that smug look off the face of NY G-men captain Eli, who wants his own Julius Thomas plaything and is still sour about missing Ebron, BUT it's way too early for that at 16.

The Bengals are always looking to D UP, because Andy Dalton is their QB and makes scoring points damn near impossible. A LB who uses a designated driver (so, not Ray Maualuga) and/or is not a 242-pound walking corpse (James Harrison) would be an instant success. It's a Queen City miracle that Barr is still on the board, which makes this trade a solid move. 

DINGO

Love that pick - Barr has already dropped way too far here, and brings some much needed STARCH to the Giants. 

#17: Baltimore Ravens: Bishop Sankey, RB, Washington 

Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome is wearing a pair of pants. On those pants there is a pocket. Inside that pocket there is a folded up sticky note. On that sticky note are five simple words: "Bishop Sankey at all costs." Could he pick him up in the second round? Probably. Should he draft a WR here? Almost certainly, sure. But Ray Rice is not long for this NFL world, after his casino exploits in the off-season. The Ravens need a running back to help out Flacco. They've already shored up the receivers with Steve Smith, and Torrey Smith isn't going anywhere (Smith brothers unite!). This is Bishop's time to shine. All the work he's done bulking up in the off-season has him in prime shape to take these Ravens back deep into the playoffs. Now it's time for him to DO THAT SANKEY LEG and build a career for himself. 

ADAM

A true #inspirational story at #17! Go Dawgs! And underestimate the Ravens, nevermore, who can now cut Rice and shave off some extra cap room.

#18: New York Jets: Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State University

No one on earth thinks Eric Decker is a WR1 — something he wasn't even with Peyton Manning throwing the ball — so players like Beckham and Jordan Matthews are in play here. That said, no one outside Dubai has had more trouble replacing a sinking island than the post-Revis J-E-T-S. Antonio Cromartie and his paternity tests have fled for the Arizona desert and Dee Milliner looked lost in his rookie 2013 campaign. Grit-N-Grind Gilbert should shake things up! 

We have an exclusive reaction to this pick from Rex Ryan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8uSPTPXERU

DINGO

I love that pick but we all know there's no way the J-E-T-S JETS are going to go with reason there. They're gonna go with their Rex Ryan gut and probably take another QB to backup Vick to backup Geno. 

Okay, it's almost draft time, so let's just bang through some picks now - no rules, just right. 

#19: Miami Dolphins: Ja'Wuan James, OT, Tennessee

ADAM

Ja'Who!?!?!

#20: Arizona Cardinals: AJ McCarron, #StudLabel QB, Alabama

DINGO

TOO SOON FOR TATT CITY. 

#21: Green Bay Packers: Odell Beckham, WR, LSU (TO REPLACE J. JONES)

ADAM

Not sure how GB passes on CJ Mosley as Clay Matthews new bro — that M&M linebacker corps could'a been NASY.

#22: Philadelphia Eagles: Brandon Cooks, WR, Oregon State (DeSean Jackson 2.0, sans THE GANGS)

DINGO

ARE THERE ANY WRs LEFT?? No there aren't really that's why this pick makes so much sense: 

#23: Kansas City Chiefs: Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State (Because Alex Smith can't live forever/pass very far)

ADAM

WOW! Does this make Chase Daniel trade bait? We could hear that name if the Chiefs are looking to get back in the later rounds.

#24: New York Giants (via trade with Cincinnati Bengals): Jace Amaro, TE, Texas Tech — Eli finally gets his guy! Raised on Kliff Kingsbury's "don't think out there philosophy," he should thrive in the Big Apple!

DINGO

THANK GOD I was sick of drafting bad Giants TEs in fantasy. This at least gives me vague hope. 

#25: San Diego Chargers: Louis Nix III, NT, Notre Dame — I usually steer clear of Notre Damers, but this guy is a big bopper with some smooth moves. Chargers already loaded with weapons (aka Danny Woodhead) so now they just need to bulk up the middle. 

ADAM

I hope Louis fights the urge from society to slim down before hitting the beach, because SD needs that BIG BOD UP FRONT.

#26: Cleveland Browns: Allen Robinson, WR, Penn State

They would have loved to screw up and draft Derrick Carr here but KC beat them to it. Costner lives to fight another day! For now they go for the big body from Penn State who can box out those corners from Cincy, Pitt and Baltimore for the off-target jump balls this mystery QB will inevitably toss up.

DINGO

Have you ever seen this many WRs go in a first round?? Bad luck if you thought you'd snatch Robinson in the third round! 

#27: New Orleans Saints: Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State (I JUST LOVE HIS NAME THERE I SAID IT)

ADAM

Glad to see that Timmy J's affection for the purple kush didn't keep him out of the bayou black and gold!

#28: Carolina Panthers: Calvin Pryor, S Louisville

This is a classic value pick that oozes SWAG.

DINGO

Two Louisville boys in the first round? What a proud night for the Cardinal. 

#29: New England Patriots: Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri — I cannot believe you haven't been a homer and gotten this guy in already! What amazing self control! Super fast, super terrifying, a classic Pat. 

ADAM

KONYYYYY 2014!!!!!! M-I-Z

#30: Cleveland Browns (via earlier trade with San Francisco): CJ Mosley, ILB, Alabama

Everyone is expecting a QB. EVERYONE. And then the Cleveland GM pulls the rug out and selects the workhorse linebacker and vocal leader that he had in mind all along. Sound familiar? Seriously, go see Draft Day.

DINGO

Is CJ Mosely still on the board??? Unbelievable. What a steal for the Browns. They are building a real team here! 

Final pick for me...

#31: Denver: Carlos Hyde: RB, Ohio State — the Broncs need backup for Montee (and maybe even a starter) - Hyde is ready to roll. 

ADAM

Very smart pickup for Denver. Takes more pressure of an aging Peyton with a lil' Ground and Pound!

#32: San Francisco (trade Michael Crabtree to the Seattle Seahawks STRAIGHT UP): Dee Ford, DE, Auburn

What a whirlwind trade to cap off a whirlwind evening! SF offers Seattle a can't-miss offer to replace Golden Tate and banks on it absolutely bludgeoning the chemistry in Seattle. Meanwhile, SF snags the Aldon Smith insurance it so desperately needs!