Meet Your Thrill 2018
THRILL LEAGUE franchises
2018 SEASON
Get to know your Thrill Leaguers like never before.
The Ewbungals
Part-primordial ooze escapee; part-owner of The Finishing School for Young Toads; sole commissioner and spiritual leader of The Thrill Is Gone League. Having recently commemorated his 30th birthday with a day of Spring Thrill Meetings, this new cast member of Real Housewives of Dallas Season LXIX has never been in better shape coming into a season. What better way to celebrate this new decade than with another dome?
Likes: Waffle House; Wendy's; Hotels with separate security deposits; Letting it all wash over you
Dislikes: Un-finished toads; The unnecessary risk of Scotty losing our VRBO deposit
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 0 (Professor)
Domes: 1 (2012)
BROADSTREET LOLLIGAGGERS
One of two teams in this league for San Francisco tech monster Adam Risman, the Gags had an unlikely hot run last year before running into a Bradshart-shaped buzzsaw in the final. After two second-place finishes in the last three seasons, players around the league are all asking the same question: is this B2B content marketing engine destined for a life of "always the bridesmaid, never (again) the bride"?
Likes: Choking in the final; Lead-gen content; Sleep; Braggadocio
Dislikes: Sour cream; Ranch; White sauce; Fair trades
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 120
Domes: 1 (2013)
BODHI BRADSHART
FROM THE 2017 KNOW YOUR THRILL ENTRY: This Texan swinger is pure dynamite between the sheets and SHITS GOLD on the field. The reigning Dome champion is looking to be the first franchise to win back-to-back titles in 2017. To do so, he will have to continue his journey along the road to recovery after suffering a serious concussion at Harrah's Casino in 2015. 2018 UPDATE: Still dynamite, still shits gold, went back to back, recovered from concussion, AND put a ring on it. What a story.
Likes: Bagel Friday; Dropping a G for everyone to have a good time; Being the first Thrill member to win twice
Dislikes: Being left behind in life
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 24 (just a thing or two to clean up here and there)
Domes: 2 (2016, 2017)
BRIX GLORYHOLE
AKA "Sprocket Man" AKA "Tie Tuesday" AKA "Scotty no, too far", this notorious #pantslibre franchise relocated to Arkansas this year under what can only be assumed is a witness protection program. The 2018 season throws up so many questions for the Gloryhole. How many eggs will he get in his beard at the draft? What San Antonio memorabilia will he purchase or steal? And who will win in his tickle fight on the River Walk with Cousin Dan?
Likes: "Chicken machines"; Tom Brady; Brazil
Dislikes: People still taking Eddie Lacy in front of him
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 50,000
Domes: 0
CREAMY NUGS
My Taco Tuesday. My North Star. My Little Engine That Could. My Skim Milk Cappuccino. My 80s Tennis Prodigy. My Missed Penalty Kick. My Congolese Diamond Mine. My Thirsty Bean.
Likes: Shower curtains; All-inclusive expensed trips to Mexico; Respect; Vintage Prince shirts
Dislikes: A clean-shaved face
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 240
Domes: 0
WHO THE FUCK IS PHIL
Having kicked Dickbutt Kus to the curb once and for all, the Thrill is ready to welcome one new team this season: "Who the Fuck is Phil." No one knows a thing about him.
Likes: Who knows
Dislikes: Who cares
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: Seriously tho, who is Phil
Domes: 0
"Dan"
ADAM'S SECOND TEAM
The ruse cranked up a notch last year, with Adam hiring a young fella (presumably from Chicago, frugality being a core tenet of the Lolligaggers) to meet us at O'Hare and travel north to spend 24 hours with the Thrillers in Milwaukee. Clearly, beers were not subsidized as part of this deal as the ring-in failed to drink a single can all day (he cracked a Coors Lite at 2am, but was not seen drinking any of it). Curious to see if Adam hires the same guy this year and flies him out, or goes with a local SA option.
Likes: Lying; Existing only in the mind of Adam; burner phones
Dislikes: Beer
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 25,000
Domes: 0
IS THIS THING ON? WEST COAST FRANCHISE
Out of the two LA expansion Thrill teams last year, this one was the Chargers: washed up, banged up, inconsequential, and quarterbacked by an aging vet in a bolo tie. Poised to rebound in 2018 if he autodrafts.
Likes: The Kansas City Chiefs; Good jokes
Dislikes: Bad jokes
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: Unknown, but possibly as many as 800
Domes: 1 (2015)
IS THIS THING ON? EAST COAST FRANCHISE
GUYS. The BK Comedy Fest is not until Sep 17th this year. Almost a full month after San Antonio. So WHY OH WHY is Nasty Nester not attending #ThrillFest2k18 #AlamoStyleBby?! Explain yourself!
Likes: Long shits
Dislikes: Hard to keep up but for sure doesn't like either Snapchat or Instagram
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 700
Domes: 0
MICHAEL BLUTH JNR M.B.A. D.I.C.
Still grinding out that classic, "Beach-babe-La-La-Land-biz-school-surf-sun-sand-commute-to-NYC-for-GF-no-biggie-internship-all-summer-long-gonna-make-it-there-gonna-make-it-everywhere" life. Year 2. They say that's when the self loathing starts, in Year 2. Then the depression. Then the spiraling down, and down. Then it's downhill from there.
Likes: Third place; Skinny Dennis; New York; Eternal youth; The after-after-party; The Winter Olympics; Sleeping in a button-down; George Strait; Other people's special champagne
Dislikes: Having to leave despite the fact that he didn't turn up on time
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 12,000
Domes: Somehow, still 0
FCKD
In his sophomore season, FCKD came hot out the gate then faded like a custom hydrangea in the summer heat. A second year of FCKD's patented H8 WK, now expanded across the league, lived up to its high expectations; unfortunately, that's all that lived up to expectations as FCKD's team finished out of the medals and was generally managed like an absolute fucking cluster.
Likes: Bad boys; Working on the house; H8 WK; The Snug; Talking himself out of good trades; Hydrangeas; Traveling to Europe with Mrs FCKD
Dislikes: Finishing the backyard; Multiple types of booze in a session; Winning
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 0 (Assoc. Professor -- promotion to Prof. will be complete after he actually attends the draft this year)
Domes: 0
TDU's VOLUME PIGGIES
An "early candidate for GM of the year" after executing a blockbuster offseason trade with The Ewbungals, it's beginning to feel like everything's moving in the right direction for TDU and his merry band of Volume Pigs. Look for him to stock up on high floor, high motor, reasonable ADP volume guys come August 25.
Likes: 75+ waiver wire moves in a season; a patented mix of Volume Pigs and Home Run Hitters (HRH); Grinding; Winning
Dislikes: A static roster; FCKD (H8 WK BBY!)
Remaining Credits at Finishing School for Toads: 0 (Professor)
Domes: 1 (2014)